Breaking Free: The Art of Gentle Parenting in a World Beyond Black and White
On gentle parenting, evolutionary perspective of all-or-nothing thinking and practical strategies to balance everyday chaos.
As I nestled my toddler into his naptime ritual—lying beside him, cradling him close for breastfeeding—I found myself mindlessly scrolling on my phone. Amid the mid-morning chaos with my 4 and 2-year-olds, I realised I had already broken my promise not to be a shouty mum, succumbing to frustration at 11:00 am.
The title that caught my eye: “I ditched the gentle-parenting scripts, and my relationship with my kids has never been better.” It was a compelling essay that sparked deep contemplation on the concept of gentle parenting. As a mum, certain words echoed with my internal experiences, especially when I was navigating the uncharted territory of motherhood for the first time. Feelings of guilt and the "not good enough" narrative weighed on my heart like a hot piece of metal. My own examples flooded my thoughts—from coaxing him with phrases like “good boy” and “you need to share” to moments of raising my voice or sneakily hiding veggies in his dinner.
The passage that struck a chord was this:
“I've been so conditioned to see myself as a horrible mother, always feeling as if I'm failing my kids in one way or another, that even typing the words above feels slightly scandalous. It's like I'm breaking some sort of social contract in trying to acknowledge the ways I am a good mom rather than engaging in the constant self-flagellation that is modern-day motherhood."
Black-and-white thinking
So, why did I feel this way, despite being a “therapist-mum,” well-versed in child psychology and pedagogy? And why did the author of the article feel the need to “ditch” gentle parenting?
Upon reflection, it became apparent that one crucial shift in my parenting journey was needed—tackling black-and-white thinking, also known as dichotomous or all-or-nothing thinking. This thinking style, rooted in our evolutionary past, served our caveman ancestors well by swiftly categorizing situations as “good” or “bad,” “safe” or “dangerous,” “friend” or “foe” for survival. Yet, our binary brains, designed for a different era, struggle to adapt to the complexities of 21st-century life, especially in the realm of parenting.
As 21st-century parents, we embark on a massive experiment, armed with unprecedented knowledge about child brain development, attachment, and secure nurturing. It becomes a quest for a holy grail, driven by a deep desire not to fail our children, rooted in reflections on our own upbringing with its cuts, bruises, and unhealed wounds. However, how can we embrace gentle parenting principles without succumbing to the trap of all-or-nothing thinking, leading to feelings of guilt and an inner sense of inadequacy?
Seeing Shades of Gray
Two inherent problems arise with black-and-white thinking:
Rigidity: It's a very inflexible way of thinking.
Superficiality: It focuses on the negative, overlooking the nuances of a situation.
Understanding these challenges opens the door to strategies for overcoming them. Firstly, we must acknowledge that the pursuit of perfect parenting is an illusion. Neither we nor our children require perfection. Reading parenting books or listening to podcasts should be approached with flexibility, understanding that implementation isn’t an all-or-nothing endeavour. It's a process that involves challenging our own rules, beliefs, and ingrained messages, a journey that requires time and effort. Parenting, much like climbing a mountain, involves taking steps to better see the top, rather than following a linear path.
Secondly, our binary brain, designed for survival, often narrows our focus, emphasising perceived dangers and overlooking a wealth of positive information in the environment. In parenting, this manifests as hyper-focus on a single instance, such as letting a 2-year-old watch TV while cooking, leading to thoughts of damaging their brain development. The remedy lies in broadening our perspective.
A Few Questions That Can Help:
In what situations do you notice dichotomous thinking?
What polarities emerge, such as "I'm good" vs. "not good enough" or "good mom" vs. "bad mom"? Can you pinpoint specific moments in your daily routine when you tend to default to black-and-white thinking? Are there particular parenting challenges that consistently lead to dichotomous thinking, and what emotions accompany these situations?Reflect on the consequences of this thinking for your well-being, confidence as a parent, and your child's experience.
How does dichotomous thinking impact your overall well-being, and are there physical or emotional signs that manifest when you succumb to it? In what ways does an all-or-nothing mindset affect your confidence as a parent, and how does this influence your interactions with your child?
Reevaluate situations, identifying overlooked aspects, and imagine advising a friend in a similar scenario.
Can you recall a recent situation where you initially applied dichotomous thinking, and what additional details or perspectives did you later realize you had overlooked?
If a friend approached you with a similar parenting challenge, what alternative viewpoints or advice would you offer them?
How can you integrate the insights gained from reevaluating situations into your future approach to parenting challenges?Develop a more balanced view of yourself and the situation.
What positive qualities or actions do you often overlook in yourself when trapped in dichotomous thinking, and how can you bring attention to them?
In what ways can you embrace imperfection and acknowledge that parenting is a continuous learning journey, rather than a series of pass-fail assessments?
How might adjusting your expectations and accepting a more nuanced view of parenting contribute to a healthier, more balanced family dynamic?
Conclusion
Reflecting on my own journey, I recognise that dichotomous thinking was prominent when I became a first-time mum. Now, with two children, I still grapple with this mindset, but more frequently, I spot it and flex/broaden it. Embracing the gentle parenting approach, I don’t aim for perfection—not out of laziness but because, as a human, I accept the messiness and chaos. Therein lies the difficulty and beauty. One invaluable lesson from my therapy journey is that, in attempting gentle parenting (and "failing" many times), I reveal my true values: I want my children to feel respected, loved, and cared for. These are not the values of a bad or inadequate mother—they are the values of a good enough one.
Show me a person's values, and I'll show you their pain. Show me their pain, and I'll show you their values.
Main takeaways:
Gentle parenting doesn't demand unwavering adherence or abandonment; it's a nuanced journey.
Parenting's challenges can breed guilt, fuelled by all-or-nothing thinking.
By recognizing and embracing shades of grey, we empower ourselves to navigate this intricate path with greater flexibility.
Thank you for reaching the end of this article! I’d love to hear your reflections on your gentle parenting journey, or the impact of all-or-nothing thinking on your parenting experience. Have you discovered effective strategies for navigating the fine line between embracing gentle parenting principles and the realities of everyday chaos? Share your wisdom with the community!
Warm wishes,
