Hopeful Parenting in a Hopeless World
About overwhelmed parents, high sensitive people and grounding ourselves in our values.
This post was inspired as part of Sarah Fay Friday’s Office Party.
The other day, my preschooler told me that one of his nursery friends kicked him. He told him to stop, and he did not. Witnessing my son’s disappointment and confusion triggered a mixture of feelings. Grappled with them, I needed to ground myself and breathe in to provide him a comfort and reassurance. But afterwards, it was playing on my mind; the question nagged me - why would someone target my child in such a way?
Later in the evening, as I skimmed through the news, reports of conflicts in distant lands and discussions of unrest closer to home left me feeling overwhelmed and disheartened. At that moment, I really questioned the wisdom of bringing children into a world fraught with challenges.
Despite my efforts to shield my children from the world’s turmoil, I couldn't shake the awareness that countless children face unimaginable hardships every day. The stark contrast between their reality and the idyllic childhood my children enjoy is a constant reminder of the disparities that exist.
In moments like these, I am consciously redirecting my focus away from ignorance, which is easy and tempting to do. Instead, I try to ground myself to nurture hope, compassion, and resilience not just within myself, but also within my children. It's a constant struggle, but, I believe, it can be navigated with love and determination.
Parenting in a Heartless World and High Sensitivity
As a parent, it's all too easy to be consumed by the negativity surrounding us. Every news headline, every social media post, seems to reinforce the notion that the world is a dark, cruel, violent, and unforgiving place. Research reports an increase of news-related stress and media saturation overload (Hwang et al. 2021). This is especially true for high sensitive individuals like myself. High sensitivity (HS) is a term introduced by Dr. Elaine Aron, an American clinical psychologist whose book, The Highly Sensitive Parent, touches on the notion of how constant exposure to suffering can be overwhelming, especially to highly sensitive parents, leading to a sense of hopelessness. She also draws on research to present strengths of being high sensitive parents (such as high emotional attunement to their children; Aron et al. 2019) and how we can cope when the different experiences of parenting are overwhelming us.
Why does the state of the world feel heavier for highly sensitive parents?
It seems to be linked to the core aspects of this temperamental predisposition, which, according to Aron (2020), can be summarized with the acronym DOES:
Depth of processing: High sensitivity involves a strong inclination to deeply analyse and understand information, often driven by conscientiousness. According to research (Acevedo et al. 2014), highly sensitive individuals' brains become more active in the cingulate area and insula (that is where human consciousness sits) as a response to other people and social and emotional cues.
Easily Overstimulated: Individuals with high sensitivity are prone to feeling overwhelmed by sensory input, such as loud noises or crowded spaces.
Emotional responsiveness and Empathy: They experience emotions intensely and have a heightened ability to empathize with others, both positively and negatively. According to research led by Acevedo (et al. 2014), highly sensitive people are easily overwhelmed by suffering because their mirror neuron systems are more active.
Awareness of Subtle Stimuli: High sensitivity includes being acutely aware of subtle cues in the environment, like changes in lighting or others' emotions, contributing to their overall sensitivity.
If you recognise some of these traits within yourself, you can do a simple test to gain insight into which of the three sensitivity types you align with: a dandelion (low sensitivity), tulip (medium sensitivity), or orchid (high sensitivity). According to research (Lionetti et al. 2018), 31% of people identify as orchids (high sensitivity), 29% as dandelions (low sensitivity) and 40% as tulips (medium sensitivity).
Choice Point: Choosing Towards Moves Over Away Ones
Irrespective of where we fall on the sensitivity scale, parenting in an era marked by war, cruelty, and suffering can be overwhelming, daunting, and further impact our well-being. However, as a CBT therapist with a passion for third-wave approaches, I often turn to the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) in moments of despair. ACT teaches us that even in a moment of the deepest hopelessness, we have a choice - to acknowledge our fears while refusing to let them dictate our actions. This also extends to parenting – we can approach it from a place of love and compassion, instilling essential values in our children, rather than parent from the place of overwhelm, fear, and despair.
(I previously wrote about the values and the way how to identify them using the insightful Bull’s Eye exercise. Please go back to this post as this will help you to come up with your personal towards moves based on your own values).
When we feel overwhelmed, we still have a choice of how we would like to approach the situation and the emotions that arise. We can fuse with the feelings and thoughts of hopelessness and fear; however, this can lead us away from what truly matters to us. We may find ourselves acting in ways that are incongruent with our values and aspirations. In order to unhook from this cycle, we have to cultivate mindfulness and self-compassion. By grounding ourselves in our values, we can make choices aligned with our deepest convictions. These 'toward moves' are actions that reflect who we aspire to be and what matters most to us.
Choice point diagram, adopted from Bailey, Ciarrochi and Harris (2014)
It’s not our job to toughen up our children to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.
L.R. Knost
The central point of raising hopeful children lies in identifying what matters to us the most, as this will provide a solid foundation to our parenting decisions. As parents, we are not only teachers but also role models for our children. Our daily interactions and choices serve as powerful lessons, demonstrating the values we hope to instil in them. By becoming aware of our hooks (thoughts, feelings, and behaviours) and practising kindness, compassion, and courage in our own lives, we show our children that even in the face of adversity, there is always room for hope and positive change.
As daunting as it may seem, both us and our children have the power to shape the future through our actions today. By creating small changes within our inner circle – with ourselves, our children, we can create a ripple effect of kindness and compassion that extends far beyond our immediate communities. Yes, it is a challenge to raise children in a world that often feels hopeless, but what other choice do we have rather than sowing the seeds of a kinder and hopeful tomorrow?
Thank you for staying with me until the end of the article! Before you return to your busy life, I would love to hear your thoughts:
How do you manage feelings of hopelessness related to the state of the world?
Do you identify as a high sensitive parent? If you've taken a test, do you align more with being a dandelion, tulip, or orchid?
During moments of struggle, are you able to unhook from negative thoughts and move towards your values?
Warm wishes,
Recommended Substacks:
wrote some great articles about bring a high sensitive writer and parent.- writes the whole Substack publication called with a good deal of useful information.
Reference:
Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M. D., Collins, N., & Brown, L. L. (2014). The highly sensitive brain: An fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others' emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4, 580–594.
Aron, E. N. (2020). The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You. Citadel.
Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Nardone, N., & Zhou, S. (2019). Sensory Processing Sensitivity and the Subjective Experience of Parenting: An Exploratory Study. Family Relations, 68(4), 420-435.
Bailey, A., Ciarrochi, J., & Harris, R. (2014). The Weight Escape: How to Stop Dieting and Start Living. Shambhala
Hwang, J., Borah, P., Shah, D., & Brauer, M. (2021). The Relationship among COVID-19 Information Seeking, News Media Use, and Emotional Distress at the Onset of the Pandemic. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18, 13198.
Lionetti, F., Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Burns, G. L., Jagiellowicz, J., & Pluess, M. (2018). Dandelions, tulips and orchids: evidence for the existence of low-sensitive, medium-sensitive and high-sensitive individuals. Translational Psychiatry, 8:24.
Dear Alex’s, I’m honoured that you have decided to write about this topic and you have given me much hope by realizing I already do pretty much everything on the “towards” (helpers) list! You have also given me much confidence in my conviction to raise compassionate children and advocate for peace. Lately, when I publicly spoke out about atrocities that my country has committed and continues to commit, I was accused of being “naive” and a “beautiful soul” (but in a derogative manner). Your post made me realize how important it is to stand up for our values and that advocating for compassion and acceptance is far from naive, but an act of bravery. I refuse to give up, and give in to despair as I have two daughters to raise, and I hope to raise them strong and compassionate. I loved this quote : “it’s not our job to toughen up our children to face a cruel and heartless world. It is our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless” Yes! And while this can sometimes feel a daunting job, it also gives my life much purpose. Thank you for this gift. Sending you much resilience towards this mighty job as a parent, writer, and human being. 🤗
This is a very insightful and helpful article Alex. As a fellow HSP I can relate to all of it.
Whenever I feel hopeless at what’s going on in the world, I see where I can move out of that frozen overwhelmed place in small ways. I don’t completely close off to suffering, but I try to take my desire to do something into action around me. Being kind to the postman. Mopping the floor for my elderly mum. Being grateful for the signs of Spring. I don’t think that’s spiritual bypassing. I think it’s all I can do right here, right now.
Here is what Thich Nhat Hahn had to say, much more eloquently than I can:
“We often think of peace as the absence of war, that if powerful countries would reduce their weapon arsenals, we could have peace. But if we look deeply into the weapons, we see our own minds- our own prejudices, fears and ignorance. Even if we transport all the bombs to the moon, the roots of war and the roots of bombs are still there, in our hearts and minds, and sooner or later we will make new bombs. To work for peace is to uproot war from ourselves and from the hearts of men and women.”