Raw Realities of Maternal Metamorphosis
A journey from cocoon to spreading wings and how we can talk about it.
The therapy room is dark. She asked me not to turn on the light as the baby is asleep, and I obliged. She cries, uttering words I've heard too often. “This is not what I expected”, she whispers. Her words, like wind through a narrow slit, are silent but ear-drilling. Her words, emotions, tear going down her face takes me back in time, to my living room, my son sleeping in my arms, wet tears slowly covering his tiny pink arm; I am looking at my friend and I saying the same words:
“This is not what I expected! Why haven't you told me it's so hard?!”.
“I did not want to scare you Aleks”, she replied.
Shaking off that emotional flashback, I refocus on the woman in front of me. "I am here. It's hard. I'm here for you" I repeat as a mantra to her.
There is so much we do not talk about motherhood.
About the real motherhood. Not the glossy, shiny, filtered version, the fantasy and fairy tale seen on Instagram, Pinterest Boards, glossy magazines - where the warm pastels dominate, and perfect balance, with perfect postpartum bodies, and perfect Montessori activities, prepared by you. And the baby sleeps in regular intervals, sleeps through the night at the age of 12 weeks, and actually, your life it still goes on, unchanged, apart from the tiny fact you have a baby. To some extent we all know that this is not fully the truth - we are being “warned” or we are being said, “it is hard,” but always followed by “but very rewarding!”. Yet, the difficulty remains unspoken. A societal pact of silence, among mothers and professionals alike, shrouds the profound transformation that motherhood brings. Transformation, metamorphosis, the process that is ongoing, the process that looks differently for everyone, as it is too complex, too unique, to be brought down to simple words like “hard,” “ugly,” “beautiful”. Why are we - as fellow mothers, sisters, supporters, professionals, friends, colleagues, and complete strangers on the path - not talking about that transformation and what it entails?
During my first pregnancy, consumed with preparations and attempting to control every aspect, I stumbled upon Millie Hill's "The Positive Birth Book". Beyond its helpful summaries of birth options and rights, there was a pivotal chapter at the end – the birth of a mother. As I was reading that, I did not fully appreciate that she was talking about the transition. She was telling us that the caterpillar is inside the cocoon now, and the brewing started. The brewing process of becoming a mother. To fly one day, you must first decompose within the cocoon – that's the transformation happening! You'll emerge as a blend of the old parts, with a newly assimilated identity and, often, physical changes. And that process the caterpillar goes through is disgusting, complex, interesting, intriguing, painful, impatient, risky, beautiful, inspiring, joyful, life-changing - all at the same time. Yet, it feels that there is taboo, and our options are limited to what we can talk about.
Pregnancy
Joyful time - you are growing a tiny baby inside you; every week they change the size and become a different vegetable or animal according to the app. You are told that you will glow and get uncomfortable, and maybe have morning sickness. None mentions heightened sense of anxiety, hyperemesis gravidarum, “morning sickness” lasting the whole day to the point you cannot focus on anything else. Sense of derealization (common especially in the first month) - Am I really pregnant? Pelvic girdle pain that is more than “your body expanding,” when you cannot walk, sit, or lie down due to the pain. That is also a journey for some women.
Birth Trauma and postpartum recovery
“You will look into their eyes and forget the pain," they said. I gazed at my newborn, and all I saw were swollen eyes (was that normal?) and a tiny, slippery creature I couldn't comfort, wailing on my chest. There was no love-at-the-first-sight fairy tale. There were, however, flashbacks from the childbirth, anxiety, postnatal depression. I made a pact with myself at that moment – never, ever going through that again. And the tear, stitches, infection, bleeding, lochia, opened wound, rectocele, cystocele, incontinence, diastasis recti. That is also part of the motherhood journey. And we should not find out about these things in the midst of a storm, having a few hours/days/weeks old newborn baby.
If you need a space to know more about postpartum recovery
Boredom
Boredom struck. How many times had I watched the clock, only to realise that the laws of physics seemed to break down, and time had come to a standstill? Did I dare admit that looking after a small baby felt mundane? Again, it did not feel right to speak about that at loud, especially when friends and family felt positive about the journey you were going through - “Enjoy it, it goes so fast”. Certainly, there's a sense of guilt and shame. As if there's something wrong with me.
Identity Crisis
Recently, Beverly from Motherhood Uncensored wrote a thought-provoking post about “bouncing back” to your old self - your pre-baby body, interests, hobbies, the person who you were, ha!, even sleep. People told me, 'Nine months to grow the bump, nine months to shed it.' They asked, 'Have you run recently? Are you planning any training after maternity leave?’. Although these questions did not resonate with me, this is what I believed needed to happen - I was waiting for that moment when the motherhood dust falls, and I will go back to my “normal self,” just now with a baby.
Why, in contrast, do we not hold a different narrative? That a) sometimes it feels impossible to “bounce back” to old things, even if we want, b) sometimes, we find that we have changed, and we do not need these things in our life anymore. But at the same time, being in the middle of transition, we do not really know what we want and who we are (remember the caterpillar? In a gooey soup inside, there is a point when the thing is neither a caterpillar nor a butterfly). Why do we not normalise it and talk about the change a woman is going through? About the transition, transformation, and the time needed for that. It is not about going back to your old self; it is about assimilating the new ongoing changes into the old ones. The puzzle pieces of our lives, once scattered and jumbled, find a new arrangement in motherhood. The image, once familiar, is forever transformed. And that is not a bad thing. At the end of the day, we are amazed by the butterflies.
Striking a Balance in Sharing Motherhood Realities
“I did not want to scare you, Aleks”, yet these words persistently echo in my thoughts. They prompt reflection on the transparency we can offer regarding the challenges and changes of pregnancy and motherhood. It is evident that inducing fear is a possibility - a reality I witness daily in my practice, through shared stories, and on TV. How then can we strike a delicate balance between beautiful Instagram reels and discussing the difficulties inseparably linked to the transition into motherhood?
Validation: Creating a Supportive Space
Instead of immediately sharing our stories or solely focusing on difficulties, let's start by validating another woman, saying, 'I hear you. It's hard. You're not alone. Please share more’. Acknowledging the difficulty creates a space where a woman feels seen and understood. This approach was beautifully discussed in a recent post by
titled: “Advice to my sister who has just had a baby”.Supportive Community
Unfortunately, it seems to be a postcode lottery with regard to what and where support is available for mothers. Every mother needs a support system, to find her tribe, and that support doesn't have to be confined to offline interactions. There are numerous supportive groups and wonderful individuals online, and it's crucial that we emphasize and inform mothers about them. Indeed, it takes a village to raise a child. “You need your elders, other women to support you on this path. Let me help you with that”.
Empowerment through Role Models
We need more mothers, influencers, TV stars, individuals we look up to, talking openly about their journeys and sharing vulnerabilities (I know, it takes courage to do that, and that is where true courage is hidden). These individuals can show us their transformation, the messiness of it, and how they emerged from the cocoon. It happens to all of us one day, spreading our wings to take that first flight. And that is a normal, challenging, but beautiful path.
Thank you for reading until the end of this article. As we reflect on the process of metamorphosis in motherhood, I invite you to share your own thoughts and experiences. How has the caterpillar/butterfly journey unfolded for you?
Warm wishes,
Ugh. All of this is so true. The boredom and identity crisis are what really threw me for a loop. Still working through the identified crisis issues almost 5 years and 2 kids later! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Aleks, great read and thanks for the tag! I'm really interested in that balance you mention about not scaring people but also not perpetuating dangerous myths through a vow of silence. I feel like as a society we are not getting this balance right, and our high birth trauma rates are testament to that.