Seeing Both Sides: A Therapist's Guide to Parenting Dilemmas
About change and acceptance, dialectical dilemmas in motherhood and practical exercises to cope with them.
Greeting Wonder Woman!
How have you been? How settling into a New Year has been for you so far?
Todays post will be continuation of my previous one, “Beyond the wardrobe: What I learned sorting out my children's old clothes”, where I reflected on the concept of growing around the sense of loss and grief and embarked on a journey of accepting polarities in motherhood. As explained, that post was written from a personal perspective, and I focused on my inner struggles and difficulties accepting the inevitable truth of my children growing and becoming more independent. Please visit that post if you would like to connect with some raw thoughts.
As promised, for this part, I will put on my therapist hat, and we will continue and expand on the subject. We will explore the idea of bringing polarities in motherhood together (in therapy and philosophy language called dialectics) with some simple coping strategies provided at the end of the article, hoping they will benefit you and ease your suffering and discomfort.
One of the ways of dropping the struggle with constantly seeing “BUT”/”OR” is learning how to see “AND” in this process.
Dailectics - when opposits coehists
In therapy world, the concept of dialectics, the idea that opposing forces can coexist, comes from dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT). DBT is a therapy model that was originally developed to support people with borderline personality disorder, but there's a realm of evidence supporting using DBT for other mental health problems. In its origins, DBT was developed to support individuals who struggle with emotional dysregulation and impulsive behaviours. Their behaviour results from being stuck on one end of the spectrum and having difficulty bringing opposites together. For example, existing between “People love me” vs. “People abandon me,” struggling to bring together the complexity of human relationships, aka “People love me AND we can argue and feel angry at each other at times”.
In DBT, the main way of helping people achieve that is by creating a synthesis between acceptance and change, which initially may feel to individual, that these are mutually exclusive. In therapy we aim to show the person that we accept them and their pain, and through that validation (that also helps them to melt the chains of shame, guilt, trauma, anger, etc.), they are able to start the process of change.
How does that link to motherhood? In the realm of motherhood, we also grapple with the dialectic of acceptance versus change. Our children are growing, evolving, and becoming independent beings, and as mothers, it's essential to find the delicate balance between accepting this natural progression and navigating (regulating) the emotions that arise from it (change); that would help us act in accordance with our values, building a long-lasting relationship with our children. One of the ways of dropping the struggle with constantly seeing “BUT”/”OR” is learning how to see “AND” in this process.
BUT, how the heck do we do that!?
Rubn’s Vase/Face - the answer for the question “What can you see?” is not a vase OR faces, but BOTH - a vase AND faces. Image from this website.
Common dialectical dilemmas in motherhood
What are the common dialectical dilemmas (polarities) that exist in motherhood? When the ideas seem conflicting and yet, both being true?
In my previous post, the dilemma I was facing and trying to synthesise was autonomy vs. connection. I was working towards acknowledging that the tiny hands I once held so tightly, are reaching for autonomy and that (sad) fact doesn't diminish the love or connection; with my own therapy, inner practice and reflection, I was also able to start managing these emotions, allowing me to ride the waves of change with greater ease.
Here, I will list some of the most common dilemmas that I acknowledged professionally in my training, therapy room, and personally. It is important to recognise and name them, as they could be the source of internal tension and change the way we would like to act and behave.
Autonomy vs. Connection:
As children take their first steps, say their first words, sentences, make friends, go to school - they are walking towards independence and we celebrate their growth. Yet, the fear of losing that close emotional bond creeps in. How do we balance encouraging their autonomy while preserving the deep connection we share?
Protection vs. Freedom:
When I was pregnant with my first child, someone told me that parenthood feels like your heart found its way out of your chest and now walks freely, down the busy road. As our children ventures into the world, we face the dilemma of safeguarding them from harm and allowing them the freedom to learn from their experiences. Balancing the natural desire to protect and also nurture their independence becomes a difficult struggle. How do we loosen the reins while ensuring their safety?
Nurturing vs. Allowing Natural Consequences:
In their life, our children face challenging decisions, perhaps they forget deadlines. Here, another dilemma emerges – do we cocoon them with a safety net of support or allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions? Navigating the fine line between nurturing and allowing them to learn becomes a delicate matter. How do we strike this balance carefully?
Independence vs. Dependence:
From an early age, our children express a desire to make decisions for themselves. Encouraging their independence is a priority, yet recognising the need to provide guidance is equally vital. The struggle intensifies as we want to foster self-sufficiency while still remaining present and supportive. How can we empower them to stand on their own while remaining a steady pillar of support?
Structured Discipline vs. Emotional Responsiveness:
Every day, our children (regardless of age!) cross boundaries, testing the limits we've set. The dilemma emerges – applying consistent discipline while still remaining emotionally attuned. How do we establish clear boundaries without sacrificing the emotional connection essential for their well-being?
Encouragement vs. Realism:
Our children dream big, and we want to encourage their aspirations. Yet, the dialectic unfolds as we need to balance fostering confidence in their abilities with providing realistic guidance about the challenges they may encounter. How can we nurture their dreams while preparing them for the realities of tough life ahead?
6 Ways to resolve the dilemmas
I am sure that now the question arises in your head - what can we do, how can we balance these two polarities, accept the reality and at the same time, find space for our feelings without these hooking us and leading as away from our goals, values and potentially, away from our children?
In my personal life, as well as in my therapy practice, I find the following strategies helpful:
Mindful Parenting Journal - I encourage you to keep a journal where you will reflect on the moments when you have navigated a dialectical dilemma. (If you hate journaling, please keep reading, as there will be other strategies provided, that may resonate with you better).
Identify the situation that brought the dilemma, explore your thoughts, emotions, and the outcome of your decisions. Use the journaling as a mindfulness practice, therefore, try to stay non-judgmental and aware of everything that arises with you at the same time trying to take an observer's perspective on all of the processes, rather than engaging in them. Hopefully, over time, you will become more aware of your parenting patterns and be able to find the middle ground between conflicting needs.
Acceptance Affirmations - it is an invitation for you to create a list of affirmations related to specific dilemmas you encounter. Take a few minutes, perhaps, read some situations you came across and you journaled about in your Mindful Parenting Journal. Slow your breath and give yourself an opportunity to acknowledge both dilemmas. Try not to force anything, but notice what is showing up for you. If you wish, you can write this down. Reading these affirmations regularly can help with cultivating a mindset of acceptance and easing the tension associated with conflicting needs. Some ideas for these affirmations could be:
"I embrace my child's journey towards independence, and I trust in our strong bond."
"I believe that growth and closeness can coexist."
"I am a nurturing parent, and I recognize that allowing my child to face natural consequences is an essential part of their growth and learning."
"I am capable of fostering both safety and self-discovery in our shared journey."
Decision-Making - this is a technique that can help us to find a synthesis that incorporates both needs. For example, I do this exercise with mums who are going back to work following maternity leave. The dilemma to navigate is to be able to balance the demands of a fulfilling career with the desire for meaningful family time. The first step would involve writing pros and cons for both dilemmas (prioritising career vs prioritising family time). Second involves looking at short- and long-consequences of each. Third step asks mothers to incorporate elements from both sides, which helps in making more balanced and informed decisions. See an example attached.
Coping Toolbox - it is a very simple, yet effective way of regulating and calming our emotions. All it includes is for you to find an old shoe box (or any other you have) and placing inside the box anything that could help you regulate and manage overwhelming emotions. I always encourage thinking about our 5 senses and including things that we can listen to (calming music), taste (sweet, mint), look at (pictures, coloring books, reading affirmations), touch (soft blanket, toys), smell (hand cream, perfume). Go to your box every time when you notice that the dialectical dilemma triggered very strong emotions that you find difficult to shift.
Balanced Daily Intentions - here, I would encourage you to set yourself one intention of balancing conflicting needs. For example, for autonomy vs connection, your intentions could be “I will give my child a choice about what they want to wear today“ and “I will engage in quality one-on-one time without my phone with my child during playtime/conversation”. By balancing these conflicting needs, you foster a more harmonious parenting experience.
Mindful Acceptance Meditation - last but not least - good-old mindfulness exercise that focuses on the acceptance of the present moment, that in our case, may entail some heightened emotions. Mindfulness helps us to observe the waves of the emotion without getting entangled in its narrative. It allows us to create a space for acceptance without judgment, fostering a compassionate stance towards ourselves and the evolving journey of motherhood. Some good mindfulness exercises are:
“Emotion Surfing: Riding the Wave on Emotion” (YouTube guided meditation);
Kristn Neff’s “Soften, soothe, allow: Working with emotions in the body” guided meditation available from her webiste;
“Guided Meditation: Leaves on the stream” (YouTube meditation)
Russ Harris’s “Dropping Anchor” Guided meditation available from his website.
Summary
In essence, this dialectical approach allows us, as mothers, to embrace the beauty and challenges of our children's growth with an open heart and a mindful soul. It invites us to find a balance between acceptance and change, knowing that both are essential steps in the evolving journey of motherhood.
Now, I invite you, Wonder Women, to share your reflections:
What specific dialectical dilemma resonates with you the most in your journey of motherhood, and how have you navigated it?
Which mindfulness or coping strategy mentioned in the article do you find most intriguing, and do you think it could work for you?
Share a personal experience where you successfully balanced conflicting needs in your parenting journey. What insights did you gain from that experience?
Every comment is a treasure to me, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts! Remember, your well-being is a priority, and you're not alone on this journey. Until then, take good care (and stay sane!).
Warm wishes,
