The Power of Dual Love in Pregnancy After Loss

Embracing Grief and Hope: How Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and Reframing Can Help You Honour Your Loss and Bond With Your Baby

Sep 13, 2024

It shouldn’t be easy…

Pregnancy after loss is one of the most complex emotional experiences I’ve encountered in my clinical practice. Nowhere else do hope and joy intertwine so tightly with fear, grief, and trauma. It’s a place where the present blurs into the past, and life and death stand side by side. It’s no wonder so many women struggle with what others might see as “simple” things: feeling happy, sharing their news, thinking about the future, or preparing for their baby.

What I want you to know, my dear reader, is that nothing is wrong with you. What you're feeling is completely normal, expected, and valid. Being caught between mourning and celebrating a new life is something no one prepares us for. It’s normal to feel scared, stuck, and torn. I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t feel a mix of emotions when she sees those two lines on a pregnancy test, yet carries the heavy knowledge that a dark door to loss still exists.

The Tunnel of PAL

Pregnancy after loss can feel like walking through a dark tunnel—frightening and uncertain. Sometimes you catch a fleeting glimpse of light, but it fades quickly, leaving you in the shadows once again. There’s no shortcut to the other side; you must walk through it. But it’s much easier to make that journey with someone by your side. That’s why I’m here, and that’s the purpose of this article. Together, I want to help you find some small glimmers of hope as you navigate this journey. Let’s gently make room for both—the baby you’ve lost and the baby you’re carrying. Shall we light our matches?

matches lightning in the dark — Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Why Pregnancy After Loss is So Hard

As I’ve mentioned, pregnancy after loss is full of contradictions (I also wrote more about it HERE). It’s a tug-of-war: one moment, you feel love for the baby growing inside you, and the next, guilt grips you, pulling you back. You think, "How can I love this new baby without betraying the one I lost?" Or you start planning to buy baby clothes, and fear whispers, "If you prepare, you might jinx it."

Many of my clients describe this emotional rollercoaster as exhausting, draining, and in their own blunt words, “mind f***ing”. This is the tricky part of the PAL journey—these opposing emotions tug at you, leaving you feeling torn between wanting to share your joy and needing to retreat into your grief. So, what do you do? Which emotion should you prioritise?

Here’s the key: Instead of choosing between grief or joy, I encourage you to embrace the mindset of and. This is also something shared by

Clarkie Doster

It’s OK to be scared and it’s OK to have hope.

Healing and moving forward in this pregnancy require holding space for both. So, how can you do that?

Honouring Your Baby’s Memory

Grief is a powerful emotion. It has an energy that demands release. If you try to push it down or ignore it, it will find its way out, sometimes in more painful ways. I know that allowing grief into your current pregnancy feels hard, but trust me—it brings peace and healing in the long run. The beauty of this process is that you’re in control. You get to decide how much space to give your grief and where to begin. Small gestures can make all the difference.

Some ways you can honour your baby’s memory include:

Rituals and keepsakes: Light a candle, plant a tree, or keep a memory box with ultrasound photos or special notes.
Journaling: Write letters to your lost baby or journal your feelings of grief and love.
Celebration of remembrance: Mark significant dates, such as the baby’s due date or the anniversary of your loss, with personal rituals. Or simply, say their name, as
Jeannie Ewing
said:
Say their name. Memorialize the one you lost, because you are still their mom.

Other people’s support is also invaluable. Whether from family, friends, or online communities, having people who understand your path is essential. Sometimes, though, loved ones struggle to find the right words, and their silence can hurt as much as saying the wrong thing. But there are so many supportive online spaces where you can find your tribe. Remember, as humans, we’re wired for connection. We’re hurt in relationships, and only in relationships can we truly heal.

Ashley Zuberi

described:

Talk about it with people in your community and you’ll be surprised to find how common it actually is. My loss also came in my first pregnancy and so for me, learning how common it was and learning how many people I knew had experienced it too made me feel better and realize that it’s just part of the journey of being a woman. It was hopeful to hear from and see women I knew who had experienced one or more losses but also have a beautiful family of 3 kids, 4 kids, 2 kids, 1 kid.
The anxiety of potential loss in the next pregnancy won’t ever go away. But understanding how common loss is and how common it also is to have successful pregnancies in the future was comforting to me. I now have two kids and am pregnant with my third. I still have anxiety about loss with this fourth pregnancy. But I refused to let fear stop me from experiencing the potential and possibility of expanding our family.

Embracing the Baby You're Carrying

While honouring the baby you’ve lost, it’s also important to make room in your heart for the baby growing inside you. This can feel terrifying. Thoughts creep in: What if I let myself love and hope, only to get hurt again?

No one wants to go through the pain of loss twice, but just as before, this can be done gently, at your own pace. It’s okay if this bond looks different from the one you had with your previous pregnancy. What’s important is that you start to make room for love, no matter how slowly. Here are some ways to begin:

Talking to the baby: Even if it feels strange at first, start by acknowledging your emotions. Say, “I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you. But I love you.” Gradually, you can build on that as you’re ready.
Mindful moments: Take time to notice the baby’s movements, without the pressure to feel overly joyful. Place your hands on your bump, feel the warmth, and let that be enough for now.
Invite joy into your life: Maybe after a scan, you and your partner can treat yourselves to your favourite food. Or plan a small trip or a weekend activity. These moments don’t have to be baby-related, but they allow you to link little pockets of joy with this pregnancy.
Brittany Viklund
also share a similar view that staying occupied and engaging in various activities can help create space for things other than fear and overwhelm.
To help keep my mind healthy and avoid obsessing over online threads and miscarriage rates by the hour during my second pregnancy I needed to throw myself into activities that would keep me busy— I did more art for my side gig Etsy shop, did a 52 lists happiness journal and found a game on my phone I could opt to play instead of obsessive Googling and forums.

Managing the Guilt of Loving Again

Loving the baby you're carrying can sometimes feel like a betrayal to the baby you lost. It’s normal to fear that by embracing this pregnancy, you’re leaving the other behind. But here’s the truth:

Loving this baby doesn’t mean forgetting the one you lost. The new baby isn’t a replacement; they are an addition to your family.

That heavy guilt, like grief, can cloud your mind and weigh on your heart. Our minds tend to blame and criticise us during these moments. But self-compassion is a powerful tool. It allows us to acknowledge our pain and take steps to soothe it. While you might be kind to others, I know that being kind to yourself is much harder. So, let’s practice it with these steps:

Hand over heart: When guilt feels heavy, place your hand over the area where you feel it most (often the chest). Feel the warmth and repeat to yourself, “I’m allowed to love both of my babies.” Breathe through the guilt until it feels a bit lighter.
Reframe the narrative: Imagine a loved one in the same situation, using the same self-critical words you’re telling yourself. What would you say to them? How would you comfort them? Now, offer that same kindness to yourself.

women in the bikini over the sea meditating, having hand over her heart — Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

Final Thoughts: A Dual Journey of Love

Pregnancy after loss is truly a journey of dual love—love that sits in the past and love that reaches into the future. It’s not easy to balance, but if we hold on to the essence of what love is, we’ll find our way. Be gentle with yourself on this path. It’s not linear, and there’s no right pace. It’s okay to move forward slowly, one step at a time.

Now, I’d love to hear from you.

Does this resonate with your experience?
What has been the hardest part of this journey for you?

And if you’d like to explore more tips and support like this, consider subscribing to my newsletter for regular insights, tools, and encouragement on your journey.

In case you missed…

This and next month, I am running in the Ribbon Run to fundraise for the wonderful UK charity SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death). They provide a wealth of support for bereaved families, including a helpline, information, counselling, memory boxes, certificates, keepsakes, and so much more. Many of my clients and friends have been beautifully supported by them, so I am trying to give something back. As an ex-runner, I’ve had a break for the last five years, mostly due to pelvic floor problems. I am taking it slowly, but I’m trying to be consistent. If you are considering supporting me, please find the link below. Any pound, dollar, or euro helps.

I'm showing my support!