Dear Me, Will You Be My Valentine?
Celebrating Self-Love: An Invitation to Write Your Own Valentine's Day Card
I booked a day off on Valentine’s Day. And no, it's not for a romantic escapade or an elaborate dinner (although we need that as well). I am attending something equally special - two stay-and-play sessions at my children's nursery so we can draw Valentine cards together. 'We do one for a sibling, a dad, and grandparents,' I quickly thought to myself, all the while hoping there will be no glitter involved—only a parent can understand the fear of glitter, anyone? I am sure they will also draw one for me, as their mum. And I will get one from my husband. And then, a crazy thought crossed my mind - 'What about a Valentine’s card for myself?' Firstly, I chuckled at the idea, even judged it as 'silly,' and as a 'waste of time.'
'No one does that!', I thought. Probably, but then I started thinking, 'Why not?' 'What is wrong and silly with writing a Valentine’s card for myself? Am I less important here?' That really made me reflect. As a therapist and millennial mum, I feel I go way beyond for my children to feel loved, cared for, and thrive. I constantly sway between sanity and burnout, an amalgamation of juggling roles in personal and professional life. And, I doubt myself a lot and feel not good enough in my mother role. Yet, my children smile at me, hug me, want to spend time with me. They are growing to become beautiful and kind souls due to the space we are trying to create for them to thrive and develop. With that, why extending the kindness we offer to others, to ourselves, feels so alien?
(Un)conditional love and everyday hero
To say that a mother's love is unconditional is to say that the ocean is deep. It is a fact, it is deep, and there is so much more to it. We sacrifice ourselves for our children, as soon as they land on this planet. In our arms, they become our meaning, aim, value that drives and reorganizes our goals in life. We literally go crazy at times for them—with sleep deprivation, unspeakable love, and passion, and at times, burnout. Yet, we do and love our children because they are our body, an extension of us, our own miracle in the mystery of the universe. And at the same time, we do not even think about who drives the everyday show. We do not pour even a millilitre of that unconditional love and passion into the way we see ourselves.
Concept of self-compassion
The creator of compassion-focused therapy, Prof Paul Gilbert, defines self-compassion as 'a basic kindness, with a deep awareness of the suffering of oneself and of other living things, coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it' (Gilbert, 2009, p. xiii)1. How this definition could translate into motherhood is seeing that my child is hurt, acknowledging they are, and trying to alleviate their distress. However, what we seem to struggle with as mothers is having the same level of awareness, understanding, and action towards relieving the distress pointed at ourselves.
Therefore, this year, I extend to you an invitation to embark on an adventure of self-discovery and self-compassion. By taking part in this experiment, you have the opportunity to nurture a deeper sense of love, kindness, and warmth towards yourself. Embracing this journey may offer an insight into your own worth and resilience as a mother. Remember, you have nothing to lose! Are you ready?
From Me to Me - Happy Valentine’s Day Card/Letter.
Instruction:
Before you start, please find 20-30 minutes for this exercise. Also, think if you would like to use a purchased Valentines Card, or you would like to create one for yourself. You can also grab a piece of paper and just write. Whichever works for you.
Expect the self-critic to get involved—we can expect the critical part of us to interject and judge what we are doing. That is okay; that is their role. Notice, unhook, and go back to writing a card/letter. No matter what the self-critic says.
Before you start, take with you some drink you like, pick up favourite/colourful pens, stickers, even glitter if you wish.
Choose a salutation that resonates with you, such as 'Hi [Your Name],' 'Dear [Your Name],' or 'Beloved [Your Name].' Is there any other greeting that feels personal to you?
Pick up two or three questions/prompts that resonated with you the most and use them as a drive to write.
1. Reflection on Strength:
o Reflect on a specific moment when you felt your strength as a mother. What challenges have you overcome? How have you demonstrated resilience?
2. Recognizing Efforts:
o Consider the daily tasks and efforts you put into motherhood. What routines, gestures, or actions do you believe deserve acknowledgment?
3. Expressing Admiration for Oneself:
o Imagine someone else expressing admiration for you as a mother. What qualities or actions do you think they would appreciate? Write those down as affirmations.
4. Addressing Self-Criticism:
o Acknowledge any self-critical thoughts you may have about your motherhood journey. Counteract each negative thought with a positive affirmation.
5. Embracing Imperfections:
o Think about a perceived 'imperfection' in your motherhood journey. How can you reframe it as a unique and beautiful part of your experience? What are some imperfections or "messy" moments in motherhood that you have learned to embrace? How have these imperfections shaped you into a more authentic and resilient mother?
6. Finding Joy in Small Moments:
o Identify a recent moment of joy or happiness in your motherhood journey. What made that moment special, and how can you bring more of these into your life?
7. Setting Realistic Expectations:
o Consider any unrealistic expectations you may place on yourself as a mother. How can you adjust these expectations to be more realistic and compassionate?
8. Acknowledging Self-Love:
o Reflect on what self-love means to you as a mother. How can you incorporate more self-love into your daily life?
9. Appreciating Inner and Outer Beauty:
o List qualities that make you beautiful both inside and out. How can you celebrate and honour these qualities? Express gratitude for your body, acknowledging the incredible strength and resilience it has shown throughout the process of motherhood.
10. Mindful Self-Care:
o What mindful self-care practices can you commit to as a way of expressing love and compassion to yourself regularly?
11. Celebrating Milestones:
o List three milestones in your motherhood journey that you are particularly proud of achieving. Reflect on the growth and transformation associated with each.
Close your message with love. How can you express love and acceptance for yourself, just as you are in this moment?
I would love to hear about your experiences with self-love and any insights you gained from writing your own Valentine's Day card. Please share as much and as little as you want! As an invitation for you to embark on your journey of self-compassion and reflection, I am stepping outside my comfort zone, and sharing with you my own Valentine's Day card, which turned out to be more like a mini-letter 😊
Best wishes,
"Dear Aleks,
I know you were not expecting that, but happy Valentine's Day! Perhaps your day was busy with extra tasks, or maybe it was difficult. What I want you to know is that I really admire you. Your strength, kindness, patience, relentless commitment to others. How much you love and look after your children, and it is not a cliché. I know how much it costs you. You may know that, but your family really admires you, that a single person can do so much. You are very strong—physically and emotionally, and your children will be looking up to you in the future as a strong women figure. Strong, but also kind—one that is there for them and does not withhold love. You are so strong, you are so organized, and you are beautiful—inside and outside. Your wonderful body gave birth to two children. It is how it meant to be—warm, soft, motherly, safe. Love it, nourish it, and give it a hug.
Today, I want you to start smiling more (you have a beautiful smile) and to lower your expectations. Enjoy more meaningless moments, as these are the most precious. I know it is hard, but try to let go of worry and sadness at times—they keep you away from what is right here and now. Allow yourself to be fully loved and adored; to experience that when your children and husband give that to you. They do that because, in the whole world, there is no one whom they love more than you. You are the one. One in a billion. Strong. Kind. Relentless. Committed. Loved.
I love you, just the way you are.
Aleks x
If you would like to learn more about self-compassion and continue to deepen your practice, I recommend checking out two recent posts from fellow Substackers who have written about this concept very informatively.
- Self-compassion break available from
- Loving-kindness meditation (“metta”) available from
Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. London: Constable and Robinson.
Wow, I love this so much! I might just start doing this as part of my monthly recap planner session. There are so many days and ways to celebrate ourselves!
Thank you so much for including my post! I love this idea Aleks!