And on the topic of guilt/shame. I wrote this last week. It is work in progress, but I felt it was relevant to your essay. It is taken from a work of autofiction, "You are a Mother Now."
Scenes From a Bathroom
I.
“Ça va maman?” my two-year old asks me as she’s trying to squeeze out one of her first cacas in the toilet. She’s almost there: a potty-trained, proud grande fille. Her face is red with effort and I am crouched beside her, encouraging her to push and relax. A close up would reveal that which my two-year-old has already noticed: my blood shot eyes, joyless look and fake smile. My daughter may speak little French, but her emotional awareness frightens me sometimes. There is no fooling this kid. I nod and reach for the toilet paper. To wipe away my tears, discreetly. The shame, the shame, the shame.
My twenty-five-year-old self would be so embarrassed. How did I become this defeated version of my former self? The stronger the wind, the stronger the tree, she’d say. I peel myself off the floor and break into a happy dance. “Bravo!” I jump up and down and clap my hands. My daughter smiles, examines her caca one last time before flushing it down and wishes it “bonne journée”. I wipe her bottom and give her a kiss on her forehead. “Je t’aime ma belle, tu sais?”
Thank you for sharing that heartfelt piece here, Imola. Is that from your book you mentioned? When do you plan to publish it? I really cannot wait to read more!
I’m still writing it!! So it was very vulnerable of me to share this work in progress. I’m on a strict deadline to finish by August. Then, editing, approaching agents/ publishers… I suspect it will be a little while :) but it is encouraging to know that you are interested!! Thank you!!
This was a lovely and insightful read, thank you! I'll save it to share with my coaching clients who struggle with mom guilt.
I think for me the most helpful thing was the discussion about how healthy guilt is related to values... And for me, remembering that I have multiple values. So for example when I feel guilty for the desire to run a business and invest in my career (instead of playing with my son who I hear giggling from another room), remembering that that twinge of discomfort is natural because I value both my career and my kid... But because I value BOTH it's ok to choose one (like my job) over the other (my kid) on a regular basis.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback, Lydia, and welcome aboard! 😊 Yes, absolutely, it all relates back to our values. And choosing between job (career/business) vs spending time with children is a very common dilemma that triggers guilt (and one that I can definitely relate to). With this one, I try to realise that actually, spending time on my business makes me feel happy, productive, and driven, which then transfers onto being more focused when I am spending time with my children.
Absolutely!! Honestly, I was so lucky because I got a long maternity leave, which let me realize just how important it was for me to have work outside of the home. It was like a trial period of being a full-time parent that made me realize I definitely really value having a career outside of the house as well has my parenting title. 🤣
With my first child, I did all I could to avoid putting myself in situations where I would feel mom’s guilt but that’s pretty much impossible to do and I still found myself in situations where I felt guilty because I felt like I had let him down in some way. With my daughter, I let mum’s guilt go much faster because I think I was or I am much more tired and I don’t even have the energy for it. Second time around I also know in hindsight that I can only do my best, I can’t and will not be perfect and my kids will be ok. That helps me release it much faster.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Jemima! Absolutely, mom's guilt is impossible to avoid. Your words made me reflect that actually, the guilt felt different with both of my children. With my firstborn, I felt like I was doing it all wrong or not good enough, and with my second born, I reduced some expectations (learning the lesson from the first time around). However, I feel guilty that my second child is missing out more, especially as I've started developing a business. It feels like I cannot win, can you?
What a great essay! I will only add another thing. The distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is about doing something bad/ not doing something that is perceived to be good. Shame is - I am bad (full stop). So guilt can be constructive. But we do too much of it as we expect too much of ourselves. I've been mothering for 15+ years now and have learned it the hard way: taking care of your needs - and sometimes, even putting your needs BEFORE your children's - is essential. You don't do yourself (and your children!) any favours by burning out. I say this with a heavy heart. I was reminded of this at a friend's funeral two months ago... My girls and I had very constructive, loving conversations on finding some kind of an imperfect balance between their needs, and my needs when they clash.
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes (and a thousand times yes!). This is such an important distinction, thank you for adding that here, Imola. Shame is so much deeper, consuming, and destructive; guilt, as you mentioned, can be constructive (it fits the facts). That is a brilliant idea for another post, so thank you for that! 😊
I love this Aleks.. also love the title you decided on in the end 👍 This is such an important topic and one I am extremely passionate about. I have worked a lot on trying to release my own toxic guilt (I had a lot) over the last few years and it is hard work! Some of it is so deeply ingrained and stems from very early childhood. I think your tips and advice on how to conquer it are spot on and we need to keep talking about it, in order to alleviate the huge amount of guilt we (particularly mothers) carry with us. Thank you for highlighting it so well here 👍
Hi Eva. Thank you for your kind comment, and I'm glad to hear that the piece resonated with you and you found it helpful. Absolutely, as you said, sometimes the problem with shifting things is the longevity of certain beliefs that can be traced back to the early years of our life!
Loved reading this Aleks. A beautiful well thought through piece ~ big thanks for mentioning my work too. That was a lovely surprise. I knew you had loads of input from many people 🙏🏻
Looking forward to hearing about your next piece. What’s it on? X
Hi Danusia! You are more than welcome. Your feedback was so thought-provoking that I simply could not miss it!
As for my next piece, you are asking... I know it is against the rules, but I do not have a content calendar as such. I have a few ideas, which is a problem as I am not sure which one to tackle! My ideas so far are: breaking vicious cycle, perfectionism, and existential crisis; all in the context of motherhood. Which topic would you be interested in reading next, Danusia? x
You made me smile about the content calendar! I'm most intrigued by breaking vicious cycles - perfectionism is written on quite a bit and after a 12 hour straight Parents Who Think podcast production session I feel like I can't face an existential crisis piece 😊
Most important, go with the one you're most drawn to - one of these or maybe another you'd love to write about but have been putting off. Thanks for asking x
This is so well written, Aleks! Thanks for including my thoughts. Remembering the opposite action skill is so helpful right now. Thanks for sharing that. Keep writing! This was so good. 🩵
And on the topic of guilt/shame. I wrote this last week. It is work in progress, but I felt it was relevant to your essay. It is taken from a work of autofiction, "You are a Mother Now."
Scenes From a Bathroom
I.
“Ça va maman?” my two-year old asks me as she’s trying to squeeze out one of her first cacas in the toilet. She’s almost there: a potty-trained, proud grande fille. Her face is red with effort and I am crouched beside her, encouraging her to push and relax. A close up would reveal that which my two-year-old has already noticed: my blood shot eyes, joyless look and fake smile. My daughter may speak little French, but her emotional awareness frightens me sometimes. There is no fooling this kid. I nod and reach for the toilet paper. To wipe away my tears, discreetly. The shame, the shame, the shame.
My twenty-five-year-old self would be so embarrassed. How did I become this defeated version of my former self? The stronger the wind, the stronger the tree, she’d say. I peel myself off the floor and break into a happy dance. “Bravo!” I jump up and down and clap my hands. My daughter smiles, examines her caca one last time before flushing it down and wishes it “bonne journée”. I wipe her bottom and give her a kiss on her forehead. “Je t’aime ma belle, tu sais?”
Thank you for sharing that heartfelt piece here, Imola. Is that from your book you mentioned? When do you plan to publish it? I really cannot wait to read more!
I’m still writing it!! So it was very vulnerable of me to share this work in progress. I’m on a strict deadline to finish by August. Then, editing, approaching agents/ publishers… I suspect it will be a little while :) but it is encouraging to know that you are interested!! Thank you!!
Oh, good luck with everything then! Keep us posted here on the progress and share happy news when you get a book deal, Imola :)
This was a lovely and insightful read, thank you! I'll save it to share with my coaching clients who struggle with mom guilt.
I think for me the most helpful thing was the discussion about how healthy guilt is related to values... And for me, remembering that I have multiple values. So for example when I feel guilty for the desire to run a business and invest in my career (instead of playing with my son who I hear giggling from another room), remembering that that twinge of discomfort is natural because I value both my career and my kid... But because I value BOTH it's ok to choose one (like my job) over the other (my kid) on a regular basis.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback, Lydia, and welcome aboard! 😊 Yes, absolutely, it all relates back to our values. And choosing between job (career/business) vs spending time with children is a very common dilemma that triggers guilt (and one that I can definitely relate to). With this one, I try to realise that actually, spending time on my business makes me feel happy, productive, and driven, which then transfers onto being more focused when I am spending time with my children.
Absolutely!! Honestly, I was so lucky because I got a long maternity leave, which let me realize just how important it was for me to have work outside of the home. It was like a trial period of being a full-time parent that made me realize I definitely really value having a career outside of the house as well has my parenting title. 🤣
With my first child, I did all I could to avoid putting myself in situations where I would feel mom’s guilt but that’s pretty much impossible to do and I still found myself in situations where I felt guilty because I felt like I had let him down in some way. With my daughter, I let mum’s guilt go much faster because I think I was or I am much more tired and I don’t even have the energy for it. Second time around I also know in hindsight that I can only do my best, I can’t and will not be perfect and my kids will be ok. That helps me release it much faster.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Jemima! Absolutely, mom's guilt is impossible to avoid. Your words made me reflect that actually, the guilt felt different with both of my children. With my firstborn, I felt like I was doing it all wrong or not good enough, and with my second born, I reduced some expectations (learning the lesson from the first time around). However, I feel guilty that my second child is missing out more, especially as I've started developing a business. It feels like I cannot win, can you?
Yup! You can’t win! The joys!😅
What a great essay! I will only add another thing. The distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is about doing something bad/ not doing something that is perceived to be good. Shame is - I am bad (full stop). So guilt can be constructive. But we do too much of it as we expect too much of ourselves. I've been mothering for 15+ years now and have learned it the hard way: taking care of your needs - and sometimes, even putting your needs BEFORE your children's - is essential. You don't do yourself (and your children!) any favours by burning out. I say this with a heavy heart. I was reminded of this at a friend's funeral two months ago... My girls and I had very constructive, loving conversations on finding some kind of an imperfect balance between their needs, and my needs when they clash.
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes (and a thousand times yes!). This is such an important distinction, thank you for adding that here, Imola. Shame is so much deeper, consuming, and destructive; guilt, as you mentioned, can be constructive (it fits the facts). That is a brilliant idea for another post, so thank you for that! 😊
Aww. Glad it has inspired you!!
I love this Aleks.. also love the title you decided on in the end 👍 This is such an important topic and one I am extremely passionate about. I have worked a lot on trying to release my own toxic guilt (I had a lot) over the last few years and it is hard work! Some of it is so deeply ingrained and stems from very early childhood. I think your tips and advice on how to conquer it are spot on and we need to keep talking about it, in order to alleviate the huge amount of guilt we (particularly mothers) carry with us. Thank you for highlighting it so well here 👍
Hi Eva. Thank you for your kind comment, and I'm glad to hear that the piece resonated with you and you found it helpful. Absolutely, as you said, sometimes the problem with shifting things is the longevity of certain beliefs that can be traced back to the early years of our life!
Loved reading this Aleks. A beautiful well thought through piece ~ big thanks for mentioning my work too. That was a lovely surprise. I knew you had loads of input from many people 🙏🏻
Looking forward to hearing about your next piece. What’s it on? X
Hi Danusia! You are more than welcome. Your feedback was so thought-provoking that I simply could not miss it!
As for my next piece, you are asking... I know it is against the rules, but I do not have a content calendar as such. I have a few ideas, which is a problem as I am not sure which one to tackle! My ideas so far are: breaking vicious cycle, perfectionism, and existential crisis; all in the context of motherhood. Which topic would you be interested in reading next, Danusia? x
Thanks for those lovely words.
You made me smile about the content calendar! I'm most intrigued by breaking vicious cycles - perfectionism is written on quite a bit and after a 12 hour straight Parents Who Think podcast production session I feel like I can't face an existential crisis piece 😊
Most important, go with the one you're most drawn to - one of these or maybe another you'd love to write about but have been putting off. Thanks for asking x
This is so well written, Aleks! Thanks for including my thoughts. Remembering the opposite action skill is so helpful right now. Thanks for sharing that. Keep writing! This was so good. 🩵
Thank you so much Lindsey! I am glad you found bits&bobs helpful :)