This post was inspired as part of Sarah Fay Friday’s Office Party, where Ashley Zuberi expressed an interest in why parenting young children is hard for mothers and why it is hard for a mum to feel herself again. Ashley Zuberi is a yoga teacher and a mom. She writes a beautiful Substack publication called
Oh my goodness, this is an incredibly piece of writing, that has opened up so much in my mind that I need to sit with about my relationship with my now deceased mother, and my own relationship with motherhood, which has added layers of complexity to those already mentioned here. Your point about motherhood changing our brain permanently struck a cord for reasons I need to process before I share. Thank you so much for this. I have so much to say in response to this I feel I might need to write a post of my own, but first, time tk reflect, and deep deep gratitude
Thank you for your touching feedback Esther. It really warms my heart to hear, that the words I wrote struck the chord with you. Please take as much time as you need to reflect. There is no rush ❤️
"...or the guilt of not meeting both children's needs simultaneously?"
My mother had me and my first brother when she was 22 (me) and 24 (him). For 10 years it was just her, Dad and us. She worked full time, and was a wonderful, energetic, present mum who took us on lots of adventures, and spent lots of time giving us a wonderful childhood.
When I was 12, she had brother #2, and then almost 2 years later, along came brother #3.
Now, in her late 30s, with a teenager, an almost teenager, and 2 under 3 year olds, it was different. She couldn't cope with the pressures any longer. The older brother and I weren't much help... I was happy to help with the babies but was worse than unhelpful with all things domestic, and she buckled under the strain, and was forced to leave her job. Looking back, I wish I'd been able to understand and be more of a help to her, but I was too young and couldn't possibly get it.
Thank you for sharing that reflection here Esther. I can hear that it was difficult for your mother to parent two new babies with older children on top; and at the same time, try to be gentle with yourself. It is so easy for our minds to turn into self-criticism and 'shoulds' and 'musts'. The puberty is hard enough without baby siblings in the background. There is no way we could have known what we know now x
2) Thank you. For everything. For all the resources, the research, answering the question in the first place, and for sharing your own experience. And of course, for tagging me in the piece.
3) I second @Esther Nagle, I'm saving this one. Might even print it out and read through it and mark it up line by line because I have so many thoughts and my mind went in a million directions. I wouldn't be able to respond fully in a comment or even in one post. It would take a book to respond to this piece, lol.
4) I think we need to meet, lol. I feel such a kinship with what you're writing, how you write, how you think, just generally how you show up here. I wish we had the DM feature on Substack. You can connect with me at ashley@ashleyjosephine.com. Would love to do a Zoom call sometime and chat🙂
I feel really touched by your reply and honoured to hear that you found the post helpful. It is something I am deeply passionate about, hence the level of depth I went with that article.
Also, thank you for providing me with your email address (it should be a DM feature on Substack!), I will get in touch ❤️
This is an incredible piece Aleks — you’ve seriously helped me process the fact that some of these changes are typical and to be expected. I also see you as you’re in the trenches right now with young children, doing the difficult and laborious stuff. As someone who is there too, I like your reminder that hard is not bad. I also love, love, love your statement “...motherhood enriches mothers for life.” I will hold that closely in my heart. X
Thank you so much Natasha for a warm feedback. Yes, it really does feel like being in the trenches! And at the same time, it is so valuable to be able to take a step back and see this journey from a bigger perspective!
Oh my goodness, this is an incredibly piece of writing, that has opened up so much in my mind that I need to sit with about my relationship with my now deceased mother, and my own relationship with motherhood, which has added layers of complexity to those already mentioned here. Your point about motherhood changing our brain permanently struck a cord for reasons I need to process before I share. Thank you so much for this. I have so much to say in response to this I feel I might need to write a post of my own, but first, time tk reflect, and deep deep gratitude
Thank you for your touching feedback Esther. It really warms my heart to hear, that the words I wrote struck the chord with you. Please take as much time as you need to reflect. There is no rush ❤️
"...or the guilt of not meeting both children's needs simultaneously?"
My mother had me and my first brother when she was 22 (me) and 24 (him). For 10 years it was just her, Dad and us. She worked full time, and was a wonderful, energetic, present mum who took us on lots of adventures, and spent lots of time giving us a wonderful childhood.
When I was 12, she had brother #2, and then almost 2 years later, along came brother #3.
Now, in her late 30s, with a teenager, an almost teenager, and 2 under 3 year olds, it was different. She couldn't cope with the pressures any longer. The older brother and I weren't much help... I was happy to help with the babies but was worse than unhelpful with all things domestic, and she buckled under the strain, and was forced to leave her job. Looking back, I wish I'd been able to understand and be more of a help to her, but I was too young and couldn't possibly get it.
Thank you for sharing that reflection here Esther. I can hear that it was difficult for your mother to parent two new babies with older children on top; and at the same time, try to be gentle with yourself. It is so easy for our minds to turn into self-criticism and 'shoulds' and 'musts'. The puberty is hard enough without baby siblings in the background. There is no way we could have known what we know now x
Wow.
1) You are fast! lol.
2) Thank you. For everything. For all the resources, the research, answering the question in the first place, and for sharing your own experience. And of course, for tagging me in the piece.
3) I second @Esther Nagle, I'm saving this one. Might even print it out and read through it and mark it up line by line because I have so many thoughts and my mind went in a million directions. I wouldn't be able to respond fully in a comment or even in one post. It would take a book to respond to this piece, lol.
4) I think we need to meet, lol. I feel such a kinship with what you're writing, how you write, how you think, just generally how you show up here. I wish we had the DM feature on Substack. You can connect with me at ashley@ashleyjosephine.com. Would love to do a Zoom call sometime and chat🙂
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi Ashley,
I feel really touched by your reply and honoured to hear that you found the post helpful. It is something I am deeply passionate about, hence the level of depth I went with that article.
Also, thank you for providing me with your email address (it should be a DM feature on Substack!), I will get in touch ❤️
This is an incredible piece Aleks — you’ve seriously helped me process the fact that some of these changes are typical and to be expected. I also see you as you’re in the trenches right now with young children, doing the difficult and laborious stuff. As someone who is there too, I like your reminder that hard is not bad. I also love, love, love your statement “...motherhood enriches mothers for life.” I will hold that closely in my heart. X
Thank you so much Natasha for a warm feedback. Yes, it really does feel like being in the trenches! And at the same time, it is so valuable to be able to take a step back and see this journey from a bigger perspective!