Dear Aleks, there is so much to unpack here. What a great article! I have been thinking a lot about motherhood, especially this weekend, and how our roles as “mothers” have changed over time. I don’t think my mother read a single parenting book, nor given much thought to how well she was raising us. My brother and I were often left alone and expected to cook our own food and bring home the perfect grades. This was one extreme. The other extreme is how today we have seem to have turned our kids into our most important project, along with the project of work, a household and healthy, fit bodies. It’s just not sustainable. We put so much pressure on ourselves. I think you are right to point out that self compassion is the first step. When I had a cancer scare I practiced a lot of meditation and I had a vision in which I saw my adult self, pick up and carry my toddler self. I sobbed and sobbed. It was a clear message from my body that I needed to see myself as my own child and take care of myself. So I think this is the greatest advice: treat yourself as you would treat your children.
Thank you for your insightful feedback, Imola. Absolutely, our parents were often raising us while carrying over transgenerational trauma, which unfortunately impacted us. On the other hand, as parents ourselves, we seem to be lost in a mixture of different parenting approaches and high expectations we place on both our children and ourselves. (At the end of the day, it's us who drive them to all these extracurricular classes, or cook from scratch, or try to look great during school/nursery drop-offs/pick-ups.)
That inner child work is extremely deep, powerful, and cathartic, but also deeply painful (understandably). I'm glad to hear that you were able to pick up and carry that inner toddler self ❤️
Oh yes, I know the story of perfectionism well! Values and self-compassion have been so helpful to me in my imperfect motherhood. Another beautiful piece Aleks!
Love this post so much Aleks - 'And most importantly, it means recognising that my worth is not tied to my achievements – that I am enough, exactly as I am.' YES! Thank you for the reminder, and for including my words.
Also I totally agree that perfectionism can be a powerful, positive force when harnessed in the right way - have you read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler?
I'm glad that some parts resonated with you, Ellie, and thank you so much for your contribution to this post. As for the book recommendation, no, I haven't read it yet! But it won't be long before I do, as I just added it to my Kindle wishlist! (I'm very, very bad with constantly buying books, but hey, it's a 'good' addition, right?).
Equating success with worthiness? Check. Wanting to feel in control? Check. Conditioned to seek recognition from a career? Check. Mourning the loss of identity? Check. Strained relationships with family? Check.
I am floored by how accurate every moment of this piece is! You captured everything that was so painful about those early motherhood days. I wish I’d had something like this to read then! Thank you for writing it!
Thank you for your feedback and contribution to this piece, Taylor. Needless to say, each of these points comes also from my own learning and reflections, as well as from many women I've worked with.
I'm all about the good enough over here! But it is neverending work (and a lotta therapy) to remind myself of that. Thanks for spelling all this out so succinctly and normalizing so many of our experiences.
Hi Aleks, I love this article, and as a perfectionism coach I totally agree with everything you’ve said. Mindfulness and self-compassion were game-changers for me. And focussing on values instead of goals is crucial too, which is so hard for perfectionists because there’s often no tangible result to get the validation from!
Hi Thea, I'm glad to hear that you found parts of this piece resonating with you. Yes, focusing on values requires some initial mental shift, but once we are clear on them, we can narrow it down and form values-based goals. These are highly useful for my clients as they give you a chance to realise what is really important and what needs to be prioritised. And it's hard for them to realise that they cannot have it all (if they want to remain sane!).❤️
Such an important topic of conversation, perfectionism is something I have been tending to within myself for decades… but motherhood has illuminated it… and also helped me dismantle it (a bit!!!) work in progress but my second baby has been a tonic for this as she has forced me to let go of all control and expectation! Xxx
It’s like you were writing this specifically to me! 😂 A good reminder for the self-compassion. Motherhood has taught me all these lessons and continues to remind me of them daily!
Great piece Aleks. That mention of being able to take advice without feeling like a failure really struck me. I have always felt like any advice from a professional i.e dr, health visitor, teacher, has always felt like a confirmation that I am doing it wrong when it comes yo parenting: like a teacher telling you off and I recognise this is my perception and not reality but means I always feel a bit rubbish after such appointments so that’s interesting that having that certainty that I am good enough should help me out there.
By the way, I wrote this post over the weekend and thought of you… I’m not a psychologist, but a story teller, so I wondered what you would have to say about this: Raising our children to be resilient. I think I was barely scraping the surface here, but it’s a start. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you…
Dear Aleks, there is so much to unpack here. What a great article! I have been thinking a lot about motherhood, especially this weekend, and how our roles as “mothers” have changed over time. I don’t think my mother read a single parenting book, nor given much thought to how well she was raising us. My brother and I were often left alone and expected to cook our own food and bring home the perfect grades. This was one extreme. The other extreme is how today we have seem to have turned our kids into our most important project, along with the project of work, a household and healthy, fit bodies. It’s just not sustainable. We put so much pressure on ourselves. I think you are right to point out that self compassion is the first step. When I had a cancer scare I practiced a lot of meditation and I had a vision in which I saw my adult self, pick up and carry my toddler self. I sobbed and sobbed. It was a clear message from my body that I needed to see myself as my own child and take care of myself. So I think this is the greatest advice: treat yourself as you would treat your children.
Thank you for your insightful feedback, Imola. Absolutely, our parents were often raising us while carrying over transgenerational trauma, which unfortunately impacted us. On the other hand, as parents ourselves, we seem to be lost in a mixture of different parenting approaches and high expectations we place on both our children and ourselves. (At the end of the day, it's us who drive them to all these extracurricular classes, or cook from scratch, or try to look great during school/nursery drop-offs/pick-ups.)
That inner child work is extremely deep, powerful, and cathartic, but also deeply painful (understandably). I'm glad to hear that you were able to pick up and carry that inner toddler self ❤️
Oh yes, I know the story of perfectionism well! Values and self-compassion have been so helpful to me in my imperfect motherhood. Another beautiful piece Aleks!
Thank you, Kathryn. Yes, I really don't know where I would be if not for self-compassion and being clear on my values!
Love this post so much Aleks - 'And most importantly, it means recognising that my worth is not tied to my achievements – that I am enough, exactly as I am.' YES! Thank you for the reminder, and for including my words.
Also I totally agree that perfectionism can be a powerful, positive force when harnessed in the right way - have you read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler?
I'm glad that some parts resonated with you, Ellie, and thank you so much for your contribution to this post. As for the book recommendation, no, I haven't read it yet! But it won't be long before I do, as I just added it to my Kindle wishlist! (I'm very, very bad with constantly buying books, but hey, it's a 'good' addition, right?).
lol I am also like that with books - I now always check the library first to see if they have what I want!
Equating success with worthiness? Check. Wanting to feel in control? Check. Conditioned to seek recognition from a career? Check. Mourning the loss of identity? Check. Strained relationships with family? Check.
I am floored by how accurate every moment of this piece is! You captured everything that was so painful about those early motherhood days. I wish I’d had something like this to read then! Thank you for writing it!
Thank you for your feedback and contribution to this piece, Taylor. Needless to say, each of these points comes also from my own learning and reflections, as well as from many women I've worked with.
I'm all about the good enough over here! But it is neverending work (and a lotta therapy) to remind myself of that. Thanks for spelling all this out so succinctly and normalizing so many of our experiences.
Thank you, Christine, and yes, absolutely, it is never-ending work on the self as it is so easy to revert to old, fixed mindsets!
Hi Aleks, I love this article, and as a perfectionism coach I totally agree with everything you’ve said. Mindfulness and self-compassion were game-changers for me. And focussing on values instead of goals is crucial too, which is so hard for perfectionists because there’s often no tangible result to get the validation from!
Hi Thea, I'm glad to hear that you found parts of this piece resonating with you. Yes, focusing on values requires some initial mental shift, but once we are clear on them, we can narrow it down and form values-based goals. These are highly useful for my clients as they give you a chance to realise what is really important and what needs to be prioritised. And it's hard for them to realise that they cannot have it all (if they want to remain sane!).❤️
Such an important topic of conversation, perfectionism is something I have been tending to within myself for decades… but motherhood has illuminated it… and also helped me dismantle it (a bit!!!) work in progress but my second baby has been a tonic for this as she has forced me to let go of all control and expectation! Xxx
Hi Lauren, thank you for sharing your reflections. Yes, second babies especially are the driving force for change!
It’s like you were writing this specifically to me! 😂 A good reminder for the self-compassion. Motherhood has taught me all these lessons and continues to remind me of them daily!
Haha, I am glad it resonated with you Ashley ❤️
Great piece Aleks. That mention of being able to take advice without feeling like a failure really struck me. I have always felt like any advice from a professional i.e dr, health visitor, teacher, has always felt like a confirmation that I am doing it wrong when it comes yo parenting: like a teacher telling you off and I recognise this is my perception and not reality but means I always feel a bit rubbish after such appointments so that’s interesting that having that certainty that I am good enough should help me out there.
That is a great reflection Kylie-Ann, thank you for sharing it here ❤️
By the way, I wrote this post over the weekend and thought of you… I’m not a psychologist, but a story teller, so I wondered what you would have to say about this: Raising our children to be resilient. I think I was barely scraping the surface here, but it’s a start. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you…
https://open.substack.com/pub/imolazsitva/p/teaching-our-children-resilience?r=2q4qf4&utm_medium=ios
No, not at all Imola. If anything, I feel very privileged that you shared that piece here with me. I will definitely go and give it a good read!