A Tale of Rediscovery: from Chaos to Calm in 5 years
Navigating motherhood, mental health and self-care. Also, a talk about saggy boobs, ageing and becoming wiser.
Greeting Wonder Woman,
It is very unusual for me to post twice in a week; however, there was something about
post about her 5-years to 40 that stirred a reflection within me - it was an awareness that I am too, 35 years old now. For some time, I have had a gut feeling, a voice of intuition I have tried to silence (nope, I am too tired for that now, let’s have another biscuit), that I really need a moment to sit down and pay some attention to it.
Reflecting on the Past 5 Years
The last 5 years when I had both of my children were a rollercoaster for me. Picture a vivid rainbow of emotions, from the depths of a mental breakdown to the peaks of joy and passion. But, in that chaos, I have grown and learned so much about myself as a person (as we humans tend to do, it’s called post-traumatic growth). Today, five years later, I can sense the solidifying foundation of rebuilding who I am. I noticed that for the last 5 years, I have been giving myself a minimal attention. On the other hand, as a natural helper, I was going way and beyond for others - at home, for my family, and in my professional career.
Physical Changes and Self-Reflection
I have always been a healthy person, fit and strong. And for the last two years, I am simply not - my body softened (that is actually beautiful), however, I lost all the stamina I once used to have. My muscles disappeared; my love to nourish my body with intentional food flew out of the window (surprisingly, not for my children, they eat well-balanced, home-cooked meals); prioritising self-care? What is that? Therefore, when I paused and reflected on the last hard and wonderful years, the instant thought came to my head that “I am getting older”.
I am - it is not only about facing my own mortality now seeing my children growing, or seeing wrinkles or experiencing pains and aches in my body. It was more of a wake-up call to acknowledge - this is the time to go back to re-claim a self-care. With every year, I am building new, unhelpful habits that take me away from the person I want to be. I want to feel energy again, passion for life and connection with what truly matters. So really, Natasha’s post came at the right moment in time. Kids are still young, but old enough for me to start carving out more and more time for myself.
Invitation to the Journey
I am inviting you now to embark on that journey with me. I would like to share with you what helped me make sense of what matters (to me) the most? Who do I want to be? Who and what do I care about? And importantly, how do I start getting there?
Applying the Bulls-Eye Concept
What helped me to reflect on my values was a diagram called the “bulls-eye,” taken from the ACT approach. It prompts us to contemplate about our values (not goals!) in various areas of our life, marking where we perceive ourselves on life’s target. Approaching 40, I revisited old values, beliefs, and witnessed a shift in perspective. For me, able to let go of things, which in the past, my pre-babies self would be killing itself to achieve for the sake of another golden medal on a board that no one is looking at. I dare to risk that motherhood, apart from wrinkles, grey hair and saggy boobs, gave me wisdom and more clarity on my path ahead.
Personal Experience with Bulls-Eye
I took the original Bulls-Eye worksheet1, added a touch of colour (everything looks better with a bit of a pastel tint, doesn’t it?), and created a following snapshot.
Addressing Imbalance and Taking Action
On the one hand, my body and mind signalled an existing imbalance I had ignored for too long. I refused to pay attention to it (until I cannot). On the other hand, assessing my well-being in terms of career and relationships showed stability. I feel that I live closely to my values of closeness, intimacy, friendship, productivity, being organized, knowledge (just to name a few). However, self-care/health and personal growth demand attention. The identified values – health, stamina, energy, spirituality, nature, creativity, self-discovery, self-reflection, nutrition, and rest – now serve me as my compass.
Taking Small Steps Towards Change
The next step involved introducing these values into my life - brick by brick, in the same way as you build a solid wall.
Simple changes, like packing nuts for a snack or standing while doing paperwork, have proven transformative. I'm not overwhelmed by these tweaks; I believe in the 1% rule – changing things daily by just 1%. In 30 days, it accumulates into tangible change. Only 1%… It is exciting to think where I will be in 30 days; and thrilling, when I think about the next 5 years…
Thank you for navigating these words with me.
I would love to hear from you:
where are you in life?
and where do you think you would plot yourself on the bulls-eye?
If interested, I'd be delighted to share the blank Bulls-Eye diagram and provide instructions on moving from values to values-driven goals.
Warm wishes,
https://thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Long_Bull%27s_Eye_Worksheet.pdf
Aleks, do you have to be 35 to do the almost 40 assessment?! I turn 34 in April, but with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, I feel 100 🤣
I love seeing Rest on a list of values. I also spent a moment on the bull’s eye and realized that, over the last year, I’ve been hyper-focused on self-care with relationships second and the other two nonexistent! Reflecting back, I wonder how much of that felt like a necessity--like if I DONT prioritize myself, can I survive this?!
Thank you for this lovely post 💖
Great read Aleks! I really like the idea of focusing on values and 1% improvements- I often fall into a Bridget Jonesy trap of deciding to revolutionise absolutely everything about myself in contradictory ways. Could totally relate to the rollercoaster comment. Thanks for sharing!