When Imperfect Parenting IS Perfect

About perfectly imperfect parents, good enough parenting, Still Face Experiment and ways to reduce high standards.

One day, my firstborn asked me to show him pictures from when he was a baby. I took my phone and started showing him the pictures of him as a few hours, days, and weeks old. In many of them, I can see I had puffy eyes, which brings back memories of how much I was crying back then. I remember, I seriously worried that I wasn't good enough for him. Holding him while he cried, I feared I was causing him long-lasting trauma; I worried that combining feeding methods would hinder our bonding; I struggled to differentiate between his cries, as the books suggested I should; I felt guilty for not taking him out more, fearing it would impact his development; and when he cried in public, I dreaded judgment from others, harshly judging myself from the moment my motherhood journey began. These memories resurface when I read snippets of diary entries from that period. There aren't many of them, but there is a letter I wrote to my husband. In the letter, I made an attempt to explain how I felt, but I felt like I was failing even at expressing myself. One overarching theme drove all these thoughts and feelings: the fear of not being a good enough mother and failing my son. It wasn't until I started therapy a few weeks later that I began to unpack these feelings and create space for them, but it took about a year for healing to begin.

Unfortunately, this is a common story I hear in my practice, and there's a parallel process between postnatal depression and perfectionism. As millennial parents, we often grapple with the plague of perfectionism, making parenthood especially challenging. Let’s delve into the reasons for that.

The Perils of Millennial Parenting

Navigating modern parenthood comes with numerous challenges. One significant factor is the socioeconomic changes we experienced in the '90s and '00s. Global crises and recessions altered the world our parents, and we grew up in, undermining the mantra we were raised on: "if you work hard, it will pay off." Millennials overwork themselves, yet the current economic climate provides less financial security than previous generations enjoyed. Balancing multiple responsibilities adds stress to raising a family, especially as being a stay-at-home parent becomes increasingly difficult, if not impossible. Another challenge stems from the rise of the digital era. While social media initially promised connection and inspiration, it now contributes to poor mental health by fostering feelings of inadequacy—known as "compare and despair." Endless streams of parenting advice and research further exacerbate our uncertainty about the "right" way to parent, leaving us questioning if what we do is “the best” for our children.

—> If you struggle with overwhelm of advice and parenting approaches, definitely read these posts:

Kathryn Barbash, PsyD

- Navigating the Overwhelm of Parenting Information and

Allegra Chapman

- Why I gave up on gentle parenting.

How Striving for Perfection Bites Us Back

Our pursuit of perfection in various aspects of life—work, home, relationships, and parenting—inevitably leads to burnout. As mothers, in particular, we grapple with the pressure to be perfect parents while juggling career ambitions, household responsibilities, and self-care. This chronic state of stress and exhaustion arises from the dichotomous approach ingrained in us: winning or losing, doing our best or doing nothing, being a good and being a bad mother. However, motherhood in its complexity cannot be defined in those binary terms. Parenting is a spectrum of experiences, ranging from the dark and mucky to the pastel and bright. If we're stuck in a dichotomous mindset, we risk chronic fatigue, irritability, withdrawal, and diminished self-esteem. (In case you missed it, I wrote an article before about black-and-white thinking in parenting, where I talk more about how this thinking can be balanced).

Among these challenges of millennial parenting lies a fundamental aspect of parent-child interactions that sheds light on the complexities of raising children in today's world: the Still Face Experiment.

The Still Face Experiment: Embracing Imperfection in Parent-Child Interactions

One of the most fundamental reasons (apart from the sacrifices on our own well-being) of ditching the perfectionistic mindset in parenting is that it does not serve our children. The American psychologist, Edward Tronick, developed an experiment called the Still-Face Experiment where a parent and infant engage in typical face-to-face interaction, with the parent responding to the child's cues and expressions. Then, the parent suddenly adopts a still, emotionless face, ceasing all interaction with the child. The infant's reactions to this sudden change are observed, often showing signs of distress, confusion, and attempts to re-engage the parent. Tronick's research provides great insights into the dynamics of parent-child interactions, highlighting the significance of responsiveness and emotional attunement in early relationships. His early research (that were then replicated multiple times and on different age groups of children) concluded that:

“for about 70% of the time they [mothers] were not in matching stage or in synchrony [with their infant]. It is concluded that normal infants experience a large number of mismatches in normal interactions with adults. Infants have coping behaviors for repairing the interactive mismatches and maintaining self-regulation”. (Tronick and Gianino 1986, p.1).

Moreover, he and his colleague (Beegly and Tronick 2011, p.2) also reported that frequently occurring mismatches during parent-infant interactions not only normal, but also “promote the growth of infants’ self-regulatory skills and emerging mental representations of self-efficacy and basic trust”, which aids in the formation of secured attachment between an infant and caregiver. Tronick's findings challenge the notion of perfect parenting; they highlight that imperfections and mismatches in parent-child interactions are essential for healthy development¹. The Still-Face Experiment underscores the idea that it is through these moments of repair—when parents acknowledge and respond to their child's distress—that trust and resilience are built within the parent-child relationship. Therefore, rather than striving for unattainable perfection, we can embrace the messiness of interactions, recognising that it is through these moments of repair and connection that our children learn to navigate and regulate their emotions effectively. Tronick's research empowers us to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace the imperfect but authentic parent-child relationship from an early age.

How to move towards the Good-Enough Parenting + Practical Strategies for Maternal Wellness

Many of us internally acknowledge that the standards we set for ourselves are often unattainable in the long term, yet we struggle to let go of them. I have three simple suggestions that can be easily integrated into your current lifestyle; they are straightforward yet, over time, they will shift the fixed mindset into a more flexible one.

• Letting go: Choose one area of your parenting where you feel pressure to be "perfect" (or you feel you expect too much of yourself). Consider and try to name the rigid rules you've imposed upon yourself (e.g., "I should, I have to, I must"); reflect and the emotional toll it takes to adhere to them (e.g., maintaining a spotless house at all costs, spending every waking moment with your children). Take a few slow, mindful breaths, and gently explore if there's a middle ground, you'd be content with by gradually releasing the pressure (e.g., delegating tasks, not obsessing over cleaning every corner, starting with taking just 5 minutes for yourself).

• Self-compassion: As you try to implement these changes, you may find feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism becoming more pronounced. Slow down your breathing and engage in a simple imagery exercise to evoke feelings of kindness and compassion. Instead of thinking about a friend, imagine your child (you can fast-forward in time, envisioning them as a young adult). Picture them coming to you, struggling with the same issues you're facing. Allow yourself to experience the emotions that arise and consider what you would say to them. Over time, practice speaking to yourself with the same level of kindness and support.

• Self-care: Rather than adding another task to your list, gently adjust your daily routine to incorporate moments of self-care. Consider simple acts, such as preparing yourself a hot cup of tea or coffee as soon as the baby/toddler falls asleep, or buying yourself a snack during your next shopping trip and savouring it mindfully and undisturbed. Think about those small pockets of self-care that can be enhanced with mindfulness by engaging your senses. Here are some ideas to help you get started (also, you can also read

  Kate Harvey
  insightful post about attuning with the world around us):

o   Smell: Engage with the scents of cooking ingredients, herbal teas, and scented candles; these can evoke pleasant feelings and create a soothing atmosphere. It's a simple yet effective way to incorporate sensory experiences into daily routines.

o   Sight: Take the time to appreciate the beauty of nature, examining details in flowers, and reminisce through old pictures; leave a flower in your diary that will remind you of important moments of joy and connection.

o   Taste: Explore new flavours or savour favourite snacks mindfully. Cut food into smaller pieces and eat slowly to encourage mindfulness and appreciation of different tastes.

o   Touch: Try activities like playing with playdough, hugging loved ones, or wrapping yourself in a fluffy blanket; these can provide tactile stimulation and promote feelings of comfort and security. Walking barefoot connects you to the sensations of the ground beneath you, fostering a sense of presence.

o   Sound: Listen to favourite podcasts or music, even in the presence of children. Alternatively, immerse yourself in nature sounds or calming music while going about daily tasks; that can create a peaceful atmosphere and reduce stress levels.

Dried leaf and flowers from my diary - perfectly imperfect!

I would like us to reflect on our explorations of millennial parenting, perfectionism, and the insights from the Still Face experiment. Parenthood, in today's world, often feels like a tightrope walk between external pressures and personal aspirations. But among the chaos lies an important notion: imperfection is not a flaw but a necessity for healthy parent-child relationships. The Still Face highlights that the ability to repair, rather than always getting things right, is a cornerstone for building a healthy relationship with our children.

So, as we wade through the bog of parenthood, let's release the shiny, metal shackles of perfectionism and embrace the colourful imperfections that make us human.

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Now, I invite you to ponder with me in the chat:

• Do you hold any high expectations that may be taking a toll on you?

• Are there any small steps you can take to let go of them?

• And how can you cultivate more self-compassion in your role as a parent?

Warm wishes,

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Resources:

• Dr. Aliza Pressman
  in one of her articles shared 5 steps of how parents can work on burnout (repair, reflection, rules, regulation and relationships).

• Kathryn Barbash, PsyD
  amazing post about easy ways to implement self-compassion while being a busy parent.

• Beeghly, M., & Tronick, E. (2011). Early resilience in the context of parent-infant relationships: A social developmental perspective. Current Problems in Pediatric and Adolescent Health Care, 41(7), 197-201.

• Tronick, E. Z., & Gianino, A. (1986). Interactive mismatch and repair: Challenges to the coping infant. Zero to Three, 6(3), 1–6.

• Still Face Experiment:

1. Any atypical interaction or unresolved mismatches resulting from caregivers' severe mental illness, neglect, or abuse can hinder a child's normal development.