This is a fantastic read Aleks, thank you! 😊 Such a valuable message and so important to get out there, as so many mothers still struggle with this idea of perfection.
I'll be having a good read of the articles you've linked too and sharing this with friends and family. Thanks again for your great work 👍x
Aww, thank you so much for your warm words, Eva. I'm glad to hear that you found it helpful. And thank you for offering to share; it's much appreciated x
This is such an insightful read Aleks. Thank you for sharing, yet again, another valuable framework.
I have struggled to no-end in my journey as a mother with feelings of not being good enough. I have had so many instances where I’ve thought I’m not fitting into the ideal image of mother.
A lot of the expectations are ones I’ve put on myself: limited screen time, no junk food, books every night etc... and so when some of those aren’t met on occasion I have a lot of guilt around it.
One of the biggies for me is feeling like I need to have extensive outdoor time every weekend — since having 2 children I realise it just isn’t practical anymore. When we had 1 we’d go to the beach, for a costal walk, every weekend (sometimes both days) no matter the weather. But I’ve had to accept that both of my children have different needs because they’re at different ages so I have to make decisions that suit everyone. It means using more soft plays and indoor activities. It may sound ridiculous but I have so much guilt around this — feeling bad I don’t get to offer my second son the same outdoor life in his early years as my first son experienced.
Thanks for providing so much depth, and science based insights. It’s left me thinking I’m not doing too badly after all. 😅
(By the way, the part about public judgement particularly struck a chord with me — I still have a hard time grappling with that now.)
Thank you so much, Natasha, for your insight. Many of the things you've shared, I could have written myself! The guilt around screen time, food, and not going outdoors as much now that I have a toddler and preschooler is something I deeply relate to. Life has become far more complicated, balancing their needs.
"It’s left me thinking I’m not doing too badly after all. " - and that was the main aim of this article! We're doing more than enough, yet we don't give ourselves enough credit.
A really important post, parenting shouldn't be perfect, if it is we fail to equip our children for the world, as well. breaking ourselves in the process.
Oh I resonate with this so much. Millennial perfectionist over here, always convinced that not perfect is failure. This is such a brilliant post and so helpful for understanding why it's actually really good for us to let go of trying to be perfect. And thanks for sharing my post! 😊
Beautiful and helpful. What I can add in terms of insights as a parent of gen X is that we too are struggling with this obsession of perfectionism. In my case, I suspect it comes more from wanting to raise my daughters so differently from how I was raised. I was completely neglected and received very little nurturing so I tend to overcompensate. But I don’t think it’s healthy either - neither for me, nor for my daughters. The temptation to jump in to the rescue is always there, but I have learned to resist it. There is something to be said for “benign neglect” :) and I have also learned that if I don’t spend the first 20 minutes of my day reading (like now!) with my coffee and grounding myself it impacts my whole day! So a little less perfectionism and a healthy dose of humility goes a long way.
Thank you Imola for your feedback. Absolutely, many times, our efforts in parenting come from a good place, simply wanting something completely different for our children than what we had. But, as you said, it's all about finding a middle ground, or as you mentioned, 'benign neglect.' It's amazing that you start your day by reading to ground yourself. Simply beautiful ❤️
Wonderful article Aleks. I've appreciated Tronick's work for many years. I've seen in recent years an incomplete representation of his work(of course on social media) where people focus on the mismatch and the distress, and they leave out the beauty of the repair and how his work normalizes the disconnect and re-connect. I am all about the imperfect!
Yes, absolutely, Kathryn. Thank you for pointing that out. It's a very misunderstood piece of research. As you said, while he discusses the mismatches and distress, it's equally important to normalise the times when we're not in sync with our babies/children (which, according to his findings, is at least half of the time!).
This is a fantastic read Aleks, thank you! 😊 Such a valuable message and so important to get out there, as so many mothers still struggle with this idea of perfection.
I'll be having a good read of the articles you've linked too and sharing this with friends and family. Thanks again for your great work 👍x
Aww, thank you so much for your warm words, Eva. I'm glad to hear that you found it helpful. And thank you for offering to share; it's much appreciated x
This is such an insightful read Aleks. Thank you for sharing, yet again, another valuable framework.
I have struggled to no-end in my journey as a mother with feelings of not being good enough. I have had so many instances where I’ve thought I’m not fitting into the ideal image of mother.
A lot of the expectations are ones I’ve put on myself: limited screen time, no junk food, books every night etc... and so when some of those aren’t met on occasion I have a lot of guilt around it.
One of the biggies for me is feeling like I need to have extensive outdoor time every weekend — since having 2 children I realise it just isn’t practical anymore. When we had 1 we’d go to the beach, for a costal walk, every weekend (sometimes both days) no matter the weather. But I’ve had to accept that both of my children have different needs because they’re at different ages so I have to make decisions that suit everyone. It means using more soft plays and indoor activities. It may sound ridiculous but I have so much guilt around this — feeling bad I don’t get to offer my second son the same outdoor life in his early years as my first son experienced.
Thanks for providing so much depth, and science based insights. It’s left me thinking I’m not doing too badly after all. 😅
(By the way, the part about public judgement particularly struck a chord with me — I still have a hard time grappling with that now.)
Thank you so much, Natasha, for your insight. Many of the things you've shared, I could have written myself! The guilt around screen time, food, and not going outdoors as much now that I have a toddler and preschooler is something I deeply relate to. Life has become far more complicated, balancing their needs.
"It’s left me thinking I’m not doing too badly after all. " - and that was the main aim of this article! We're doing more than enough, yet we don't give ourselves enough credit.
A really important post, parenting shouldn't be perfect, if it is we fail to equip our children for the world, as well. breaking ourselves in the process.
Absolutely Johanna. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Oh I resonate with this so much. Millennial perfectionist over here, always convinced that not perfect is failure. This is such a brilliant post and so helpful for understanding why it's actually really good for us to let go of trying to be perfect. And thanks for sharing my post! 😊
Thank you, Allegra! Yes, the recovery path from perfectionism for the Millennial generation is indeed a long journey!
Beautiful and helpful. What I can add in terms of insights as a parent of gen X is that we too are struggling with this obsession of perfectionism. In my case, I suspect it comes more from wanting to raise my daughters so differently from how I was raised. I was completely neglected and received very little nurturing so I tend to overcompensate. But I don’t think it’s healthy either - neither for me, nor for my daughters. The temptation to jump in to the rescue is always there, but I have learned to resist it. There is something to be said for “benign neglect” :) and I have also learned that if I don’t spend the first 20 minutes of my day reading (like now!) with my coffee and grounding myself it impacts my whole day! So a little less perfectionism and a healthy dose of humility goes a long way.
Thank you Imola for your feedback. Absolutely, many times, our efforts in parenting come from a good place, simply wanting something completely different for our children than what we had. But, as you said, it's all about finding a middle ground, or as you mentioned, 'benign neglect.' It's amazing that you start your day by reading to ground yourself. Simply beautiful ❤️
I have two teenagers!! All I can say is, fasten your seatbelt! :)
I "can't" wait 🙈!
Thank you for the mention Aleks! Such a thorough article, it’s so important to let go of perfect parenting, there’s no such thing! 💛
Absolutely Kate! Good enough is...enough!
Wonderful article Aleks. I've appreciated Tronick's work for many years. I've seen in recent years an incomplete representation of his work(of course on social media) where people focus on the mismatch and the distress, and they leave out the beauty of the repair and how his work normalizes the disconnect and re-connect. I am all about the imperfect!
Yes, absolutely, Kathryn. Thank you for pointing that out. It's a very misunderstood piece of research. As you said, while he discusses the mismatches and distress, it's equally important to normalise the times when we're not in sync with our babies/children (which, according to his findings, is at least half of the time!).
I saw him at conference once, researchers and writers are my form of celebrity.
Wonderful piece Aleks. Lots to think about and take forward from here thank you.