Spring in Motherhood: Weeding Out the Comparisons
Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Overcoming Motherhood's Comparison Trap with Thought Challenging, Self-Compassion, and Gratitude
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🌺Flowers Don't Compare Themselves, They Just Bloom.🌺
My phone buzzes. In the chaos of my children jumping on me and screaming the second hour of the day, I feel that I need to detach myself for a few moments, just for the sake and safety of everyone. It’s one of my mum friends sharing with me a photo of her and two of her boys. They play nicely together, placing the pipe cleaners through a colander. The text message under the photo says – ‘They have been playing with that for 40 minutes! I have cleaned the whole bathroom and kitchen in the meantime!’.
I feel heat rising in my cheeks, my chest tightening, and a heaviness settling in my stomach. Envy swims through my body. Then I look at my children, playing separately in two different rooms for 2-3 minutes, and then they need my attention, each wanting to be entertained separately. They rarely play together. The spiral of comparison begins:
'Why don’t they play together like her boys?'
'What am I doing wrong?'
'That is so simple. Why didn't I think of that?'
'Instead of writing on Substack, I should go through Pinterest and collect some ideas for things we could do at home.'
'I stopped doing educational things with them.'
'I am lazy.'
Before I know it, I am detached, closed up in my head, and I start thinking about other things I am doing wrong or not doing when I should. I feel bad, guilty, sad, and irritable. I don't need much now to snap at my boys when the smallest things ignite me.
Does this cycle sound familiar to you?
Compare and Despair: The Vicious Cycle
As a CBT therapist, I'm not immune to falling into the cycle of comparisons, guilt, and feeling inadequate as a mother; it's akin to an oncologist not being shielded from the possibility of cancer. While I endeavour to practice what I preach, there are moments when I can swiftly identify and address these feelings, nipping them in the bud. Yet, there are other instances when they fester, pulling me away from the present moment and the joys I could otherwise savour. I'm often unkind to myself and may even snap at others, only to sincerely regret it later. Nevertheless, I persist. With every mother I work with, as we delve into her cycle, I instinctively scrutinise my own relationship with my thoughts and emotions, gauging how much I become entwined with them, allowing them to lead me astray. And so, I practice, practice, practice. Each endeavour strengthens the connection between my amygdala (the emotional brain) and prefrontal cortex (responsible for higher-level thinking), facilitating emotional regulation, perspective thinking, and problem-solving in stressful situations.
Picture from: pngtree.com
In my work with mothers, I initiate an exploration of the cycles they find themselves entangled in. We dissect various scenarios they struggle with—sometimes thoughts take precedence, while at other times, it's emotions or physical sensations. Occasionally, they begin by recounting their actions, behaviours, and, together, we navigate almost like detectives, tracing back their cognitions and emotions fuelling ,sometimes impulsive, actions.
In CBT, the term "vicious cycle" describes the interplay between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Why "vicious"? Because once the cycle commences, it tends to perpetuate. We feel trapped, struggling to find an exit, and often, we deviate from being the person we aspire to be; instead, engaging in behaviours incongruent with our values.
Going back to my example that happened the other day, my cycle could look like this:
Why is it important to be aware of the vicious cycle?
Simply put, awareness of the cycle is crucial. It offers profound reflection and insight into its contributing factors. As one of my mentors in CBT therapy training once said, "Once you are aware, you can decide if you want to change". Thus, awareness serves as the crucial first step toward change.
But how can we break this cycle? How can we transform it over time from an endless spiral of feeling bad and exhausted into a more linear process?
MOTHER takes actions!
To break the vicious cycle, mothers can employ the following steps:
M - Mindful of Triggers: The initial step in breaking the cycle of comparisons is to recognise the triggers that lead to these thoughts and feelings. Were you scrolling through social media? Did you receive a text or call from a family member or friend? By identifying these triggers, we can anticipate and manage our responses more effectively.
O - Overcome Comparison Thoughts: Challenge comparison thoughts by questioning their validity. Instead of taking these thoughts for granted as facts about ourselves, try gently rationalising with yourself. Reflect on how you might see the situation differently on a guilt-free day. Consider other factors at play and whether this thinking is truly helpful.
T - Treat with Self-Compassion: Cultivating self-compassion and kindness toward ourselves is vital, especially in moments of self-doubt and criticism. Take a moment to focus on your breath, slowing it down to calm your mind. Shift your attention from thoughts to your breath and utilise self-affirmation strategies, mindfulness, or engage in simple acts of self-care, like enjoying a hot beverage or applying scented hand cream.
🌸 If you want to dive into topic of self-compassion, please read THIS POST from about self-compassion and my post about self-affirmations. 🌸H - Highlight Strengths and Values: As you begin to see a way out of the cycle, focus on your individual strengths, values, and parenting goals. Pause to identify your unique strengths, values, and goals as a parent. Reflect on how your actions align with these values on a day-to-day basis. Celebrate even the smallest accomplishments and milestones.
E - Express Gratitude: Cultivating a mindset of gratitude shifts our perspective from scarcity to abundance. Take a moment to appreciate the positive aspects of your life and motherhood, whether it’s quality time spent with your children, moments of joy, or personal achievements. Through this practice, you can cultivate a sense of contentment and fulfilment that transcends comparison.
🌸If you are interested in the topic of gratitude, you have to read THIS POST from 🌸
R - Restorative Activities: Incorporating restorative activities into our routine that promote self-care can help to replenish our physical, emotional, and mental energy (widen our window of tolerance).
Over to you now!
How do you recognise and navigate triggers that fuel the cycle of comparison in your own motherhood journey?
Have you noticed any patterns in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that perpetuate the cycle of comparison, and how do you intervene to disrupt this pattern?
What I have enjoyed reading this week:
- writes about finding a balance in motherhood and filling up your cup “On Absence & Fonder Hearts”.
- on why we should erase the word “lazy” from our vocabularies “The word I would most likely erase from the English language“.
This week I am also slowly digesting yet another amazing book from
“Kokoro” about our inner life; “Life, death and life again“.
This is the second post of the Substack challenge Sparkle on Substack 24 Essay Club run by Claire Venus from Sparkle on Substack. Please visit the linked page above to join in if you wish!
Another fabulous post, Aleks. I found myself in some comparison lately and I like to think I get better at getting out of it with age but it's easy to get stuck still. This is a wonderful resource for mothers.
And thank you for sharing my article on self-compassion.
As a fellow mum of boys I do not for a second recognise the 40 minutes of peace your friend got but I applaud her for it! If I left mine alone with a pipe cleaner and colander they’d be wearing them as helmets and punching each other on the head 😆
Really helpful and insightful post. I’ve also fallen into the comparison trap and had to give myself a good talking too to pull out of it. I’ve started to recognise when those buttons are pressed and what I can do to avoid it.